


Lie To Me

by jaemibbeom



Category: Day6 (Band)
Genre: Angst, CEO Kang Younghyun, CEO Park Sungjin, F/M, Family Issues, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Smut, Friends With Benefits, Fuckbuddies, Interior Designer OC, Mostly explicit, Romance, Secret Relationship, Smut, Some are implied, THIS IS ROMANCE I SWEAR, a lot of cussing, shameless fluff, side Sungjin x OC
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-14
Updated: 2019-06-30
Packaged: 2019-11-16 15:17:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 43,631
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18096875
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jaemibbeom/pseuds/jaemibbeom
Summary: I have lived a life full of uncertainties and recklessness. I was never sure of all my choices and just always end up exploiting whatever my extremely rash decisions result to. And he was one of them.Whatever you want to call this affair. It's like playing house with him, except that the house is made of fire and we burn in pleasurable touches and moans turn us into ashes. I'd like to believe that this affair would not be dragged on for this long if he doesn't feel anything for me. But that's just me. I know that this is all just lust that is our common ground and I am not going to cross the line. Because this is what we are.And this is all we are.If there is anything I am sure of, it is that I will always love him, and he will never love me. From square one, he's always been out of my league. All I can do is to wish that if I ask him if he loves me, he would be lenient enough to my hopeful heart and lie to me.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer:  
> This is a work of FICTION. Do not reflect the story on my personal views. Separate me from my work.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just another product of my suffocation with the world. Don't take all things seriously. I made this all up LOL I only know a little about the industries mentioned so don't be too hard on me y'all :(
> 
> It's angst. Because I live and breathe angst. And somehow I just found myself falling in love with this story as it played in my mind? Idek. Read at your own risk coz some parts might be triggering. Love u all

I glanced at my phone’s screen for the nth time, smile still plastered on my face.

The hall was full of people, all in their smart casual attires. The night was young but the space was filled mostly with old men—famous and important people, for that matter. Politicians, businessmen, celebrities, suppliers of furniture and everything needed to completely furnish the new real estate the company developed, are here. I recognized a few, some of them were senators and those who are of high positions in the government, who were flocking in small groups as they waited for the event to begin. It wasn’t too formal of an event, it’s only a launching of the new apartments developed by the company, but for some apparent reason it felt like everyone important in the country have been summoned to attend the event. There was also Lee Dong Wook, a famous (and good-looking) actor who I confirm to look 100x better in real life which is more high definition than 1080p on youtube, and I felt my heart flip somersaults when he started striding towards our direction. I worked for him before, designed his house in Gyeonggido. And of course, it was one hell of an experience.

But of course too, happiness is always short-lived for me. A man stopped him midway and opened a conversation with him, probably about investment and the likes, thus, resulting to him never reaching our table which could have earned me another good look of him.

Sighing, I gazed at my phone again and instantly, my heart pounded as I read, for the nth time, the text I received hours ago.

_Loverboy:_

_I’m home._

I felt an elbow nudging my arm. Turning to Sana, I raised a brow. She did the same, as if mocking me.

“Why are you smiling to yourself?”

I only shook my head as a response and pursed my lips, fighting back a smile that was starting to creep again on my face.

Sana gave me a knowing look before laughing. “Whatever. I get it. Damn, where do I sign up to be you, sis?”

I sighed inwardly, not wanting to make her conscious of how her last sentence bothered me.

A pair of familiar fox-like eyes piercing their fiery gaze on me caught my attention, saving me from the potential dwelling on negativity brought upon by the words Sana told me. There went my heart again, thumping loudly in my chest that I felt like I would vomit it anytime. His stare was electrifying and I felt it in each of my nerves. He remained looking at me, and when he did _that_ , and I already knew what he meant.

Whenever he arches a brow and tilts his head to the side while the side of his lips tugs into a smirk, it only means one thing: _Meet me later._

The launching event finally began.

It started with praises to the Chairman of the primary company—KANG Corporation, for receiving the highest honors during this year’s Asia CEO Awards. Short speech from him was delivered too, as he explained how their company has diversified into real estate and infrastructure, and is now planning to venture in power generation.

“And as it has been for the past 2 years, Kang Properties, Inc. remains to be the leading real estate developer in South Korea,” the chairman proudly announced, earning a loud applause from everyone in the hall. He was no exception as he clapped his hands as well, before introducing the next man to speak. “My son, Kang Younghyun, has been studying the industry ever since Kang Properties started as a division of Kang Corporation, until it was spun off and incorporated 10 years ago, and until he was appointed to run the company as its CEO and worked to raise its standing as the top developer in the country.”

Something in my chest tingled as my eyes followed him walk towards the stage to finally speak.

Younghyun—like he always does—looked very dapper in his black suit, his hair grown longer than his usual clean cut, his bangs swept to the side while sporting the trendy comma hairstyle, smile ever beautiful as he took bold steps in front of everyone in all his brilliance and for a moment, I thought my heart stopped.

There he was. Leaving women at awe with his dashing looks. Stealing hearts like a collection he ought to display together with all the awards he had bagged in his life.

A huge photo of the new buildings that are to be launched tonight was flashed on a huge white screen. There was also a huge model of the project at the center of the hall where the view was not obstructed and everyone was free to ogle the apartments being launched.

The project was called Seoulite Residences, a high-end apartment with high connectivity as it’s in the heart of Seoul, multiple retail options as the amenities have plenty of malls for residents to choose from to fulfil their daily needs, and which makes active lifestyle possible since its location is extremely convenient for residents to start or carry out their daily exercises—the development located not more than a 10-minute walk or drive from sport centers and open spaces.

I know all of these because I worked in the team responsible for its architecture, planning, interior design and graphic environments. I work in _Pearl Designs Seoul_ , and Kang Properties, Inc. is our biggest local client.

Younghyun finished his speech with another round of applause for him. The big bosses posed at the center of the stage with a huge framed photo of the development in their hands as photos were taken by the press. The crowd took a closer look of the model of the apartment and voices started mixing in my head in a zoom in-zoom out manner, not knowing where to focus exactly, except for the part I clearly caught where businessmen talked about investing in the apartment.

Our team was sitting on a separate table and as soon as I saw our head architect, Kim Wonpil, together with our CEO, Mr. Kwon, I leapt on my feet. Not because of our CEO, but because of the person he was with.

Younghyun’s gaze was fixated on me as he shortened the distance between us with his long but steady strides. Sana nudged my arm again as she whispered. “Here comes loverboy.”

My cheeks flared into crimson at her teasing. I remained silent until they were all standing in front of us. We greeted them and they did the same, but the way Younghyun returned the greeting and his smile was so complacent I almost forgot who he was and had the urge to hit him.

Chill, Eris.

Chill down.

Even if your whole body is burning in excitement at the sight of this man, you need to chill.

“This is Kang Younghyun, CEO of Kang Properties, Inc.,” our CEO introduced him to us, as though we never met him before the project started. Sana was all smiles, especially when Younghyun offered his hand for a handshake, which she gladly took.

“Ah, Younghyun. I know you met them already during the presentation months back but in case you forgot, they are our interior designers,” Wonpil piped in, pointing us one by one. “Minatozaki Sana and Choi Eris.”

While it’s true that it’s only now that he has met Sana, Sana has known him for a longer time.

When it was my turn to shake hands with him, Younghyun’s lips arched into a smile, melting my heart again.

“Nice meeting you, Sir.” as soon as the last word escaped my lips, Younghyun’s sweet smile turned into a smug one, especially when our CEO introduced us as the company’s most trustworthy, hardworking, and best interior designers.

Younghyun raised a brow, his lips tugging into a familiar smirk. “Is that so?”

“Eris once worked as Lee Dong Wook’s interior designer for his house in Gyeonggido. I believe this lady will make it big in the industry even if she chooses to do freelance interior designing.” CEO Kwon proudly shared my previous project with them, which got me flushing into red. As much as I am proud of my projects and the big people I worked for, I somehow don’t want to talk about them in front of Younghyun.

I witnessed how Younghyun’s smile disappeared and his gaze turned dark, one I’ve grown accustomed to over the course I have been with him. Younghyun nodded, before excusing himself to go to the suppliers and talk to them.

But before he could leave, his hand discreetly brushed against mine, briefly holding my hand before he stepped away, and I watched as our distance stretched further. My heart continued pummelling my chest painfully.

It’s been a whole month since we last saw each other, and he just got home from New York today. The idea of finally seeing him again sparked the excitement in my nerves, but with the thrill came the fear too. I felt my heart pounding nonstop, and I know just why it does.

My phone vibrated and even without looking at it, I already knew who it was.

_Loverboy:_

_The event is going to end in an hour. Wait for me outside._

Oh, it's gonna be a long, _hot_ night.

 

 

It didn’t even take a minute of waiting and the moment we both stepped inside my condo unit, his burning lips latched my mouth in a hot, searing kiss. His hot tongue against mine as he zipped off the dress I was wearing, my arms draped on his neck.

“You’re so impatient,” I whispered in between kisses.

We haven’t even reached my bedroom and he’s already out here undressing me while he remained fully dressed, and it felt so unfair.

Younghyun pulled away and looked at me straight into my eyes, before pressing his lips on my jawline, tracing kisses on my skin until I felt him lick and bite my earlobe.

“Fuck,” he muttered against my ear. “It’s been a whole fucking month.”

My arms slid down as I placed my hands on his neck, pulling him back to attach my lips to his, before tugging his coat off. I felt him smile against the kiss and he expertly took off his coat without breaking our kiss. Younghyun licked my bottom lip and bit it sensually, swallowing the moan that escaped from my lips when I felt his hands knead my breasts, before we both pulled away to catch our breaths.

Without even noticing it, I somehow succeeded to unbutton his undershirt and he took it off, tossing it to the floor. And after a number of toppling over stuff, almost falling down the floor as we struggled to enter my room, my back finally felt the familiar warmth of my comforter.

I licked my lips, watching Younghyun take off his pants, leaving him only with his underwear. His gaze landed on me and I knew exactly that look. A look filled with worldly desires that he wants me to cater to.

Oh damn. You know I’ll always cater to you.

He doesn’t even have to exert efforts to ramp up the sexy in his existence. His hands were warm and they travelled all over my body, until they both found the peaks of the mounds in my chest, playing with them as he sucked at the skin just below my collarbones, and damn I can already imagine the hickeys I will have to hide again for days. He was aggressive, something that is no longer new, but right now he looked like he was starved for so long and now he’s feasting on me, served in a golden platter.

“Younghyun…” I moaned when I felt him kiss me down there.

“Yes, baby…”

I closed my eyes both from body pleasure and the soft tug his endearment caused in my heart.

I gasped loudly when he inserted a finger, while sucking my bud. Pleasure continued to grow more and more intensely within me and my gut clenched as he added another finger. I tried my best not to scream when his pace hastened, so much to not embarrass myself from going crazy over being fucked by his fingers alone.

In no time, it was me who grew impatient. My moans were reverberating across the whole room, and Younghyun looked like he was enjoying the reactions he was earning from me. When he withdrew his finger, I almost whined at the sudden emptiness, but then I felt the tip of his thick shaft prod against my folds and I swallowed hard to prepare myself for another rollercoaster ride of pleasure.

Slowly, he entered me.

Younghyun was huge, and even if this wasn’t the first time we’re doing this, every time is like the first. The pleasure and thrill are still extreme. The way his shaft was seated fully within me made me moan from the intense rapture, but this cannot be compared to how ecstatic it felt when he started moving, rocking me back and forth.

Slow at first, like it’s our first time and we’re savouring our time together. Younghyun’s low grunts were like fuel to the fire in my body, his lips found their way again to my mouth as though giving me a taste of myself. I was feeling feverish. As our kiss deepened, his movements have also fastened and it drove me crazy.

Younghyun flipped me in a swift motion and I found myself on fours. Like the expert that he was, the bliss I felt never stopped even when we changed positions. His hands squeezed my breasts and played with them, his tongue pressed hotly against my earlobe again, licking and biting it. He loves doing that and I’m not complaining.

When my back was lying again on my bed, and as I faced him, my heart pounded painfully in my chest. Looking at him like this, sweat trickling on his forehead and chest, down to his chiselled abs and toned arms, it made me yearn for more.

More.

Not what we’re doing, but _more._

_My heart is yearning for more._

Unlike how he appears in photos, Younghyun is actually more tanned in person, but that’s expected since photos can never do justice to how godlike he actually looks like in real life. The mere idea of actually witnessing this, and even the thought of being able to actually count the moles in his body, no matter how petty it would seem to other people, it would always be a big deal to me.

Younghyun’s thrusts were relentless and they were inhumanly fast, and I watched how his mouth slightly parted in so much pleasure, his veins swelling on his arms. I reached for his face and pulled him for a kiss, hands resting on his broad shoulders. I bravely bit his lip and he moaned against our fervent kiss. I smiled.

“Oh fuck,” he cursed. “Fuck!”

Yes, fuck. Fuck, even the word fuck sounds beautiful when it rolls from his tongue.

And then it went unbelievably faster. I was a moaning mess. Goosebumps erupted on my skin as pleasure clawed on my limbs.

“I love fucking you, Eris!”

_I fucking love you, Younghyun._

We both didn’t last longer. A few more jarring moments of thrusts until I felt him throb inside me, before releasing inside me. He rode his orgasm a bit more before falling beside me, exhausted.

And then there was silence. Only our heavy breaths were heard. His heavy arm was wrapped around my chest, giving me so much comfort. Then he pulled the comforter to cover our bodies, and scooted closer to me to make use of his arm as my pillow.

I glanced up at him, and he was already looking at me. His eyes were dark and intense, and I shuddered at his gaze. He sighed before burying my face on his chest.

“Lee Dong Wook, huh.” there was a tinge of annoyance in his voice, I wasn’t really sure. Or maybe I was just overthinking.

“Yeah,” I replied briefly. I looked up at him and I saw his jaw clench as he nodded.

“I see. Nice client you got there.”

I didn’t know how to carry the conversation on, but I knew that I had to.

Small talk.

Speak more, Eris.

So he won't sleep yet.

So you'd hear more of his voice.

“Congratulations on your new development,” was the only topic I could rack in my head.

Younghyun glanced down at me and smiled, making my heart race. Like he always does.

“You did well.”

I closed my eyes, calming myself down with all my might to not get too carried away by his words. It was only three words, but my heart ached in so much happiness. It’s weird, I know.

_You did well._

Small moments like this give me the privilege to witness things that other people cannot normally see unless they get into a close inspection of his features. I can’t help but notice mild gestures like wetting his lips, his deep voice, the way his throat bobs up and down when he swallows, chuckles, the low manly sound he makes when he inhales.

Younghyun shifted carefully before enclosing my face with his palms, and then inching closer to peck my lips.

One soft kiss.

And then two.

Then three.

Four.

Five.

Five pecks tonight, and I felt blessed. He reached for my hand and intertwined my fingers with his. And then it was the cue, the fuzzy feeling I had earlier had been replaced by the underlying pain I’ve been trying to conceal all this time.

Every time he does this, it ignites the fire of hope in my heart that maybe, this isn't just nothing. That maybe, we're on the same page, and he might feel the same way as me. That it's all not lust that we feel for each other.

“You're mine.” he whispered, pressing his lips against my forehead.

I nodded, but felt something pinch my heart.

Yes, Younghyun. I am yours.

But are you mine?

I know. I am perfectly aware. I’m not the best in bed. He must have had an amazing and mind blowing sex before me, because, well, he’s Kang Younghyun, but maybe, and I silently hope, that he's staying for something else. Something that can be our common denominator. Something that could give me the license to love him freely.

I brushed the thought off and snuggled closer to his chest and let myself take in the masculine scent of his expensive perfume, mixed with his own lovely scent. The scent that I would always love to breathe in. The smell of comfort. The smell of the person who owns my heart.

 

Fuck buddies. FuBu. Friends with benefits. Whatever you want to call this affair. It's like playing house with him, except that the house is made of fire and we burn in pleasurable touches and moans turn us into ashes. I'd like to believe that this affair would not be dragged on for this long if he doesn't feel anything for me. But that's just me. I know that this is all just lust that is our common ground and I am not going to cross the line. Because this is what we are.

And this is all we are.

Kang Younghyun. CEO of the famous Kang Properties, Inc. A fierce lion in the industry. People look up to him with respect as he is the epitome of success, even at a young age. He possesses godlike features, has an excellent educational background, and is one of the most eligible bachelors of South Korea.

The man I love.

The man who is perfect.

_And not mine._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> twitter: @jaemibbeom  
> curiouscat: https://curiouscat.me/jamlovesjae
> 
> Yeah obviously I got this from 5SOS' Lie To Me ((I love the version where Julia Michaels was featured, hence this LOL))  
> talk to me haha :<


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> twitter: @jaemibbeom  
> curiouscat: https://curiouscat.me/jamlovesjae

“Weren’t you listening when they said it’s going to be Scandinavian?” I jolted on my seat as I watched our supervisor who was looking like steam was coming out again from his large ears.

I’ve been working with a new team for a month now, and for a month too, our supervisor Jinyoung has been upbraiding my teammate Jisoo for ‘not following’ our clients’ specific instructions for the designs they want. We’re now working on the interior design of the house of one senator our company’s COO is friends with, and I actually just finished 5 designs right now since working on it during the weekend and was only waiting for the right time to submit them for approval before we present it to the client—whoever among us designers get our designs approved.

And obviously, the moment is not now.

Jinyoung is fuming mad again.

I pretended to look at the list of furniture on my computer’s screen and check on the other design elements as I listened to the line I’ve grown sick of hearing in almost every single project we have.

“It’s not about your style. It’s about theirs!”

The sudden raise in Jinyoung’s voice made me crane my neck and fixate my eyes on them. Jisoo’s brows were furrowed and she looked like she’s ready to pounce on Jinyoung when Architect Wonpil fortunately arrived. And like the peacemaker he is, he managed to shoo away Jinyoung and made Jisoo work at the comfort of her own space again.

As soon as Architect Wonpil left, Sana pulled me to Jisoo who was looking at her design intently. And we did the exact same thing.

“But it’s Scandinavian?” Sana eyed the design once more, befuddled.

From the gentle contours and playful accent colours, I know that this design is certainly conforming to the client’s instructions. Even the beds, until the carpeted floor. So now I’m left with a huge question mark in my head as to why our supervisor reprimanded Jisoo _again_ for not following instructions when clearly, she did?

There was one time she actually strayed away from the kind of design a client wanted, but that was a one-time thing. It never actually happened again. I just really don’t get it why these two seem to have a never-ending beef with each other.

“I don’t even know what to do anymore for my designs to get approved by that grumpy man with Dumbo ears.” Jisoo sighed dramatically before dropping the stacks of unused paper on her desk.

“Don’t mind him, I’m sure he’ll get tired of bitching around eventually.” Sana reassured her. “Also, where did you get this chandelier?”

Their conversation went on. I went back to my space and fished my phone and pondered over again if I should actually send the message I’ve been meaning to type since this morning. It’s almost lunch break and I don’t have plans yet on where I would be eating at, or who I would be eating with. I was thinking of eating with my dad, but I’m still not sure if I could actually eat lunch with him, or if I should even go and ask him.

It took me a few more minutes of mustering courage before I finally typed a message for my dad.

_Me:_

_Dad, are you busy? Do you want to eat lunch with me?_

A light tap on my shoulder. I turned to Sana who was looking at me knowingly with her usual stupid grin.

“What?” I defensively hid my phone behind my bag on top of my desk.

Sana smiled. “Loverboy?”

I rolled my eyes and sighed. “No. And can you tone down your voice? Someone might hear you.”

She threw me a knowing look and smirked. “So… did you do it again the other night?”

My eyes rounded in horror, feeling scandalized. “Sana!”

Sana just giggled. Whenever she teases me, she always makes sure to make it obvious to annoy me even more. I sighed in defeat. She’s actually the only person who knows about what’s happening between me and Younghyun. The only one I can confide to about everything, and I’m actually grateful for that because otherwise, I would have already gone insane from all things that man makes me feel.

Sometimes though, I still wish Sana didn’t spot us together outside a hotel months ago, so I wouldn’t have had to explain to her why I was with the hot CEO that is Kang Younghyun. It would have been easier to lie if she saw us somewhere else, but outside a hotel? I literally dug my own grave that day.

Our relationship is not particularly a secret, but it isn't something I'd be wearing a sash to brand myself with as I parade in front of people—especially women—who love throwing themselves to Younghyun.

He's mine.

At least in bed, he is.

“Don’t tell me he just drove you home and that’s it? No action?” she stretched her arm to reach for something on my desk and I immediately took my phone from behind my bag and she laughed, before picking up her pen that I borrowed the other day and forgot to return to her.

Sana raised a brow, still displaying that stupid smirk I so want to wipe away from her face, then twirled the pen as though telling me I was being too paranoid for actually thinking she’ll take my phone.

I bit my lip and rolled my eyes before turning my back at her. Sana snickered, and then I felt her head rest on my shoulder. She was hugging me from the back.

Yeah, right. Flirty, clingy Sana attacks again.

“Where are we eating lunch today?” she queried, watching me declutter my desk.

I moved away from her. “I’ll eat with my dad.”

I looked at Sana and I almost laughed.

I know, Sana. You don’t have to look at me like that.

Heaving a deep sigh, she tapped my shoulder lightly. “Okay. Eat well, dear.”

The next 30 minutes were full of fidgeting with my fingers and anxious tapping of my feet as my hands grew cold while I stared at my phone. My stomach growled in hunger. Every second that passed was agonizingly slow and my breath hitched when my phone finally vibrated.

Nervously, I checked the text message I received.

_Dad:_

_I’m having lunch with your brother today._

I stared at the screen blankly. A soft laugh escaped from my lips.

You tried, Eris.

I read his reply once more before replying.

_Me:_

_Oh, okay. I'm done with lunch, anyway. Eat well. :)_

My stomach growled again. I sighed and reached for the wafer that Architect Wonpil gave me earlier during our break. It’s too late to go out for lunch. I’ll just go grab something later during our short break.

Not even a minute passed when my phone vibrated again. I immediately opened the message and for a moment, my heart sank when I realized it wasn’t my dad. I don’t know why I even expected to receive an apology, or I don’t know, maybe a promise of anything that could compromise for the short time we could have spent today?

I snorted. _As if that will ever happen._

Looking at the message again, it finally dawned on me who the text came from and my heart raced.

_Loverboy:_

_Hey there, hot stuff._

Damn.

Heat crept on my face upon reading the text. Why did Younghyun text me at this hour?

I didn’t want to beat around the bush and I quickly typed a reply.

_Me:_

_Don't you have meetings and stuff today?_

I know that he’s a busy man, and it’s not the first time, but definitely a rare occurrence that he messages me during lunch time.

His reply came faster than I expected and I grinned at the thought.

_Loverboy:_

_What happened to "No personal questions"?_

And my grin disappeared faster than I expected too.

I inhaled sharply, composing myself, fighting the urge to throw my phone as I read his reply.

Right. A rule that I myself made. And how I hate myself now that I’m reminded of the time we made the rules. Everything I said backlashed to me.

_Me:_

_Fine. Forget that I asked. Get lost_

I pretended to punch my phone screen as though he was really in front of me. I could almost hear his annoying laughter and I regret letting him elicit a reply from me like that! Damn. Eris. Get a hold of yourself. Don’t forget the rules.

Another text came and I expected him to retort back, piquing me further.

But damn.

_Loverboy:_

_I'm just kidding. I miss you, baby girl :(_

My head was full of huge red exclamation marks.

_BABY GIRL!!!!!!!!!_

I almost screamed out loud.

I covered my flushed face with my palms, heart thumping painfully loud and strong in my chest. Damn. He always uses that to get away when he knows I’m going to lose my cool and snap at him. Damn him. He really knows how to tug strings and play things the way he wants them.

Before I could even reply, he sent me a selfie of him.

He's wearing a black suit, his maroon necktie now undone, and the first two buttons of his undershirt were open. One of his eyebrows arched as his eyes spoke thousands of feelings... no, not really. I just wish they were actually positive and beautiful emotions. But no. It's one thing: one that starts with L, but it’s not love.

_Never love._

I’m just again fooling myself into believing that I see love in his eyes. That somehow, maybe, he has also learned to love me like how I came to love him.

Fuck. That sounds far-fetched even in my own mind.

Amidst the wild tremors his first selfie caused me, he just had to worsen them and send me another photo.

This time, he’s pouting in the selfie. Like a lost puppy. Or a child looking for his mommy at the grocery. Or I don’t know. I felt my gut churn at my attempt to still my heart. As much as I want to deny it, but he’s really, really cute. I could almost believe he’s not the same man I’ve been playing fire with for the past 8 months.

Lately, he's been acting weird. Is he being clingy? But isn't that grounds for our arrangement to end?

Or am I only overthinking... because I’m not used to him being like this?

I don’t actually know much about his personal life. Who knows, he might also be like this to his past flings, or even fuck buddies he used to be with. Perhaps it’s normal for him to act this way—not only being coquettish, but also gentle and chivalrous and anything that could make a woman fall for him. Maybe this is just really how he likes to play to draw women into him.

Or maybe I just want him to actually be clingy so I would not feel entirely bad for pining for him.

Whatever it is, I’ll just play along while it’s still okay to play. And of course, I have to cater to his fantasies. Like how he does to mine.

Ugh. Eris, stop dwelling on such a trivial matter. He just sent you a selfie of him pouting, why are you making a fuss over one stupid selfie.

My phone vibrated again.

_Loverboy:_

_Dinner? I'll pick you up by 6._

I raised a brow, trying to figure out what is actually happening. A pouting selfie, and then this?

_Me:_

_Woah there. Fuck buddies going out for a dinner? Is this really Younghyun I'm talking to_

It's not like it’s the first time he's asking me out for a dinner. We sometimes eat together, but we never invite. It just happens. Like, “Do you want to eat?” “Yeah cool.” “I want to eat you too.” “Cool.” Something like that. Always like that. Always filled with vulgar words. Dinners are just like gate passes to somewhere bigger and better. So this is like news to me.

It took a while before he responded.

_Loverboy:_

_It's just dinner. It's nothing. Don't be too sentimental._

Don't be too sentimental.

Right, Eris. Why do you keep on forgetting not to be too sentimental?

The cold-hearted monster is back. The vision in my head is vivid: Younghyun in his swivel chair, bored and unproductive, with the first 2 buttons of his undershirt open and necktie undone, brooding over whatever the hell is bugging him right now, how am I supposed to know... fuck.

It’s always dangerous to visualize him like that.

_Me:_

_Whatever. Okay, come pick me up by 6 then._

If I put effort on something, it only means I am invested in it. Or it holds a special place in my heart. I don’t really put on much effort on my make-up because I was never really confident with my make-up skills, but today I just found myself re-doing my make-up every now and then.

And of course, what would a rare happening be for without Sana teasing the hell out of me for it?

“Do I still need to ask why you’re putting extra effort on dolling yourself up today?”

I rolled my eyes before applying my lipstick on my lips, pursing them lightly after. I glanced at my watch and it’s a minute after 5 in the afternoon. Jisoo, Sana, and I went out of the building together, Jisoo still complaining about Jinyoung always getting mad at almost anything she does. Sana giggled and I thought she just found our friend’s distress funny, but then she stopped on her tracks, before crossing her arms, smiling widely.

“Why did we stop?” Jisoo inquired, baffled.

Sana shrugged before turning to me, then winked. “There goes loverboy.”

My heart almost stopped when my gaze followed where Sana was looking at, and there I saw Younghyun talking to the valet. As if on cue, he turned to our direction and our gazes locked.

Jisoo gasped loudly. “Oh my gosh… isn’t that the CEO of Kang Properties? The company whose new high-end apartment you guys designed for the other month? Why is he here? Aren’t office hours over…”

Sana laughed, much to my chagrin. “For what other reason would he be here? To pick up his baby girl.” then she turned to me again to wink and gosh, how I wanted to gauge her eyeballs out.

I took a deep breath as I watched Younghyun fix his tie before nodding dismissively at the valet, eyes still fixated on me. This hot motherfucker… what is he doing here? I told him to pick me up by 6, and it’s only 5. Plus, I meant for him to pick me up from my condo, not from my workplace!

Jisoo, still confused but obviously thrilled by Younghyun’s presence, seemed to finally realize what Sana meant.

“Oh my… They're dating?” Jisoo asked Sana as if I wasn't there to hear them.

Sana giggled, “Well—”

“We're not. He's just my friend.” I cut Sana, not wanting to give away more details to Jisoo about me and Younghyun.

Without further ado, I languidly marched to where Younghyun was, leaving the two behind, praying silently that I don’t appear too excited to see Younghyun here.

Younghyun beamed me a smile, and as soon as I stepped in front of him, he snaked his arm on my waist, pulling me closer. I rolled my eyes when I caught him smirk. I turned around to look at Sana who was waving and Jisoo who looked more confused than ever, eyes still round in shock.

Younghyun politely bowed before waving at the both of them, right before we left the place.

I had the urge to ask him, _why?_ Why did he come to my workplace and pick me up? But I was overpowered by my fear of him just brushing it off, and then he’ll call me sentimental. That I’m just overthinking and it’s just _nothing._

Dinner was the usual. It’s always hurried. Like we weren’t really hungry for food, but for something else, and we have to finish and leave early to finally begin the real feast we want to have.

And then suddenly everything flurried and I was already on top of him, straddling him as he rested his hands on my waist.

Younghyun groaned when I started moving up and down, humping his crotch while we still haven’t gotten rid of our clothes.

“Eris… fuck… baby what are you doing…” he whispered in between our kisses and I bit his lower lip as a response, before pressing the button on the arm of the couch in his living room. I smiled as I watched how the couch reclined and now Younghyun’s back was lying on it as though we were on his bed.

“Your suit…” I muttered, and then Younghyun exchanged our positions and I was suddenly under him. He took off his suit and hurriedly unbuttoned his undershirt, his necktie long gone ever since we were still on his car while on our way to his place because we couldn’t keep our hands to ourselves.

The lights weren’t fully turned on, and the city lights from outside the window dramatically casted over us, and I was running breathless with every touch and kiss Younghyun gives that are always enough to set me on fire.

And then we were inside his bedroom, our clothes now scattered on the floor as our bodies became one, skin to skin, sweat profuse but nothing could stop us from devouring each other, because this is exactly how we satisfy our hunger.

As Younghyun rocked me back and forth, he traced my lips with his velvet thumb and next thing I knew, he was already playing it inside my mouth. Younghyun shut his eyes close and pulled his hand away, before attacking my neck with his hot lips, and then whispering into my ear. “Do you feel good?”

I felt him play with my bud down there as he continued to drill himself to me. I moaned loudly and screamed _yes, yes, yes_! as though he was asking me repeatedly. And then he took me over and over again, until we were both panting, bodies now drained of energy, and we were lying nakedness to nakedness beside each other.

My chest grazed his as I turned to him; now we were wrapped in complete silence.

Younghyun was looking at me and his gaze was too dark and piercing that I had to look away. Instead of his eyes, I chose to scrutinize all the moles that he has and all of them looked like they were asking me to touch them. And I did.

I raised my hand to trace his moles, from his earlobe, to his cheek, to the bridge of his nose, to his lower lip, down his neck. Like connecting dots, but the dots are blazing with fire and I felt like burning with every touch I make.

“You have a lot of moles,” I blunted offhandedly, and it was too late before I realized I blurted out something so intimate for me but might be dumb for him.

I was too scared to glance up and meet his gaze after my stupid remark, but then Younghyun hummed and pulled me closer. “Don’t you have a lot, too?”

I looked at him, confused. He earnestly surveyed the bare skin that was before him. “You have moles on your cheek… below your lips… on the left side of your neck… on your collarbone… and then three on your back…”

My mouth opened in awe, dumbfounded by his sudden intimate observation of me.

As soon as I got back to my senses, I smiled at him. “Yeah. It’s like connect the dots.”

Younghyun caught my hand that was resting on his chest. I glanced up at him and his eyes locked with mine. “I’ll connect them… is it okay?” He smiled, stare compelling. I arched a brow, a little confused as to why he still had to ask such a trivial thing.

“You’ll connect them too?”

“Yes,” he exhaled, now his hot breath fanned over my cheek. “But with my lips.”

And just like that, I found myself drowning in his steamy kisses.

Exactly like eight months ago.

Eight months ago I was drowning myself in booze to forget how the universe just loves fucking me up all the time. The tension got intense when I bumped into him on the dancefloor. And like the cliché one night stand misadventures of drunk bitches like me, I just woke up naked next to a crazily attractive and sexy man.

It was supposed to be a one-night stand, I told myself. Forget about losing my virginity to this hot lad. It’s a one-time thing. But then I met him again and he proposed an agreement with me, telling me he _wants_ me. I initially said no, but then again how the fuck did I even think I could escape the fiery maze of my desires for him?

When every time we touch, he sets me on fire and when we are apart I feel like dying and freezing from the cold?

After all, it’s all just physical benefits and nothing else. It’s not that deep.

It’s not supposed to be this deep.

One rule was no asking of personal questions. Except when the questions are actually needed so our playing with fire schedules don’t overlap with personal escapades and whatnots. We have to know when the other is free.

It's just like he's getting the benefits of a relationship, minus the drama. Just sex. No fucking with other men for me and no fucking with other women for him. Reason was, so we're both clean while we stay in this arrangement as I fulfil his fantasies and he fulfils mine.

These days, no one talks about the rules anymore. It’s like, _come what may_. Even the “No personal questions” has somehow just become an inside joke to the both of us.

And even if no one made the words into existence, I know what the unspoken rule is. It doesn’t take a genius for one to understand that in this arrangement, we are not supposed to bear feelings for each other. It’s supposed to be all physical and no emotional strings should be attached. And once this unspoken rule is broken, then it’s over. We’ll be over.

I jolted back from my reverie when Younghyun let out a whiny sound. I looked at him and he was pouting again.

I rolled my eyes. “Why are you such a baby?” I shifted to properly face him.

He raised a brow. “No personal questions.”

“You consider that a personal question?” I snorted.

“Being a baby is my personality, why would I not consider that a personal question?” A playful smile lingered on his face before he advanced closer to attach his lips on mine, smooching me twice before he let himself fall on top of me.

I know that sometimes, I let my feelings get the best of me and I go overboard, but maybe I can do that on the bed. Maybe I can pretend that it’s all still just physical satisfaction that I get from acting like this with him. As long as he doesn’t point it out, maybe I’m still standing on a safe ground.

My eyes dropped to his lips—swollen from all the kissing we made earlier, and then to the little scar just below his lower lip.

Whenever I look at him, there’s always an invisible barrier between us. A barrier that permits me to take a look at him, but is always the thing I crash into whenever I attempt to enter his world. Whenever I try to reach for him, even if we’re only breaths apart, I can never come closer. It’s like a reminder that I can see him, but I am not allowed to delve deeper into his life. Because it’s just a place where I’m not welcome. A place where I am only an intruder. A place where I do not belong.

I took a deep breath. I can’t stay like this. If I want to keep what we have, then I shouldn’t show any signs of me breaking a rule.

With a heavy heart, I slowly pushed him away and slowly got up from his bed, and even from my back, I could feel his gaze piercing on me.

I want to stay longer, and live by the reasoning that these days no one really cares anymore if we stay after sex and cuddle with each other, but I know that I have to stop myself from falling deeper into his territorial seas and drown myself towards the death of my love for him at the center.

“I have to go,” I said as I picked up my clothes, shamelessly putting them on in front of him.

The bed creaked and I knew he sat up. “It’s late. You can stay if you want.”

Fuck. Why does he have to be like this every single time?

I shook my head as I wore my bra. “I need to go to work early tomorrow.”

Silence wrapped us briefly until he spoke again. “Then I’ll drive you home. You left your car in your building. I picked you up earlier, remember?”

Fuck. My heart swelled and my throat started to burn, tightening in pain.

Don’t get too carried away, Eris. You’re not special. Maybe he’s just really like that to everyone. To his flings. To his fuck buddies. Just everyone. That doesn’t make you any different.

“I can go home alone.” I wore my pencil skirt, the last one I had to put on before I was completely dressed again.

“But it’s late—”

Frustrated, I turned to him. “I said can go home alone! You know that you don’t have to do that, right? We’re just fuck buddies, Younghyun. I’m not forgetting that. I hope you’re not too. So don’t cross the line and don’t be too sentimental.”

Don’t cross the line my ass. I crossed it first, Younghyun. But you don’t have to know about that.

Younghyun just stared at me. When a minute passed and still no one was blunting a word, I took that as the cue to leave before I fall apart in front of him. Because truth is, I am mad at myself. For letting myself fall for a man so cruel. A man I can never have. In the middle of a relationship that's standing on a shaky ground. A relationship that can break anytime, without warning.

Whatever I’m feeling right now, I should bury them. I am perfectly aware of what our relationship is. I know that this will not last forever. I’ll just enjoy everything while I’m in this arrangement and pray that the feelings I have for him will not get in the way and will just eventually disappear.

The moment I reached home, I felt the painful hole inside my chest again. As I tried to sleep away the loneliness, my phone vibrated. Silently, I hoped it was Younghyun. But it wasn’t him. And maybe, the sadness I was trying to shoo away just came back like waves crashing in.

_Minho:_

_Hey… Do you have plans for tomorrow? Do you think you can come over?_

Maybe I should’ve just stayed with Younghyun for tonight… maybe it wouldn’t have felt this cold if I was enclosed in his arms.

But then again, that’s not where I should be. It’s not where I belong.

Not in this life.

Or even in the next lifetimes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> twitter: @jaemibbeom  
> curiouscat: https://curiouscat.me/jamlovesjae
> 
> ohmygod i cant breathe anything but angst :((( HAHAHAHA  
> pls talk to me :<
> 
> damn i love kang younghyun huhu


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> twitter: @jaemibbeom  
> curiouscat: https://curiouscat.me/jamlovesjae

It’s been four days, and we haven’t talked to each other since.

At this point, I’m not even bothered anymore. From what I remember, the last words I uttered were only right and proper for what the context of our arrangement offers for us to enjoy. There’s a limit to what we can and we can’t do, to what we should and shouldn’t do. And even though, clearly, I have broken a rule already, it’s not as if he knows, or he has to know. I have to keep my façade and just go on with my life like I’m out here not giving a damn about how he’s doing, if he has been eating on time, or has he been overworking.

I shouldn’t.

Even if I’m dying to know, I shouldn’t.

Okay, fine. I’m bothered. Because at this point too, even if I want to get out of this arrangement to save myself from falling deeper and hurting myself worse in the end, it’s not the choice I want to resort to. I don’t want to distance myself from him. And it’s stupid. Of course, if he wants us to stop, I don’t have any reason to protest. Let alone a reason to do so. I know where I should stand.

“Good morning, Miss Eris,”

I glanced up to look at where the voice came from and saw our junior architect smiling down at me, showing his dimples.

I beamed him a smile. “Good morning, Chris. I told you to drop the Miss, didn’t I? I thought we’re friends?”

Chris gasped. “Of course we are! Okay, fine, I won’t call you that again. I’m sorry.”

We both laughed at how we sounded like grade school students making friends. Christopher Bang, or Chris, or Chan… I prefer calling him Chris, though. Our junior architect who’s directly under Architect Wonpil. He goes to our department oftentimes to hand us blueprints of the projects assigned to our team (although these are digitalized now). He’s one of the youngest among us so it’s always fun to tease him, especially whenever he’s being overly polite to everyone and we’ll all feign offense as though being polite is a bad thing.

So far, it’s a good Monday morning for me.

“What brought you here, though?”

Chris’ smile widened. “Architect Wonpil said he’ll be treating us for dinner tonight and told me I can bring a friend so—”

“Hey what’s this, what about me?!” Sana appeared in the middle of Chris and me, and even when I can’t see her face, I am certain of the crease on her forehead and the pouting of her lips. “We’re friends too. Why are you asking just Eris?”

“N-No… I mean, you can come if you want—”

“I’m special. Go away, Sana.” I jokingly pushed her to the side so I could face Chris again who was now baffled, and whose face is painted with regret. Sana and I are like a package, or a buy-one-take-one deal. I stifled a laugh at how conflicted this poor boy looked like. Turning to Sana, I raised a brow. “I thought you went outside to get brownies from the bakeshop at the next building?”

Sana crossed her arms, “I just came back and you didn’t even notice because these days your head is so full of—” she arched a brow too. “—hmp! Anyway, Chris, I want to join! Who else is Architect going to treat?”

Chris glanced at me, eyes crying for help. I giggled at how desperate he looked like, and it made me realize how he still hasn’t gotten used to our teasing—especially Sana’s. That girl is on a whole different level of playfulness.

“Dinner later? Sure. What time and where?” I queried, blatantly ignoring Sana’s whines beside me.

Chris opened his mouth to speak but was interrupted when we heard Jisoo’s voice.

“Good morning, Sir!”

Instantly, we turned to the direction Jisoo just greeted a good morning, and right there and then, I felt as if my heart stopped beating.

I froze on my spot and couldn’t move, eyes still glued in front of me.

“Oh! Good morning, Mr. Kang Younghyun!” Sana greeted enthusiastically, voice deliberately made extra lively and jolly and I know what exactly this girl is thinking about right now. Like a hundred and eighty degree turn, her mood just shifted drastically, acting like she wasn’t whining like a kid a few moments ago.

Sana’s conspicuous teasing has begun.

I glanced up, and how I wish I didn’t.

My eyes met his, and the mere thought of me staring at his eyes felt like he was looking straight into my soul and it sent cold shivers to my spine. His eyes were dark and brooding, gaze drawing me in with no fail—just like always.

Chris greeted him too, and Younghyun only nodded dismissively, eyes still fixated on me as I haven’t uttered a single word to acknowledge his presence ever since I turned to him.

My heart was pounding. So loud and clear to my ears that I was scared he might hear it, and everyone in the place might find out about how I’ve been pining for him for the longest time.

It’s only been four days since the last time I saw him, and yet the torture I’ve brought upon myself ever since leaving him that night felt like years of agony and despair. And now that I finally saw him again, there is only one thing that is clear in my head: I want to be in his arms.

I want to be with him. God. Why does looking at him have to be this painful?

Why do I have to look at him and fall deeper and deeper; losing all sense of control, even when every time I look at him too, there’s a huge warning on top of his head that reads: “Pain-inducing. Do not touch.”

I want to be with him, but does he want me to?

Of course not.

I exhaled softly, in attempt to hide my sullen thought, before resigning. “Good morning… Sir…”

Younghyun nodded, “Good morning.”

At the sound of his low but beautiful voice, I felt my heart flip and my tummy clench.

Oh God. Has it only been four days? Why do I feel like tearing up with just hearing his voice?

Damn, Eris. At least try not to sound like you’re ultra whipped for this man.

I bit my lip as I watched a pensive frown form on his handsome face. His eyes were still dark, and silently, I admired how even when he’s not smiling, it doesn’t diminish his charm and instead, it strangely accentuates it like it’s how a tough man in the industry should be: sexy and serious, with a dash of arrogance that he has all the rights to have considering all of his achievements in his whole life.

I smiled to myself, heart full of delight at the sight of him in his dark grey suit and white undershirt, hair a little messy with his fringe covering his glorious forehead. And his lips… they looked so inviting that for a second, I forgot where we were and had the urge to run to him and latch mine on his and just drown in his steamy kisses because fuck, that’s really all I want right now.

“You’re coming later? I’ll tell Architect about it.” oh shoot, I almost forgot about Chris and his invitation. I turned to him, and then back to Younghyun, who now has looked away and started striding towards the door where stood Architect Wonpil.

I followed him with my gaze, and purposely eavesdropped to their conversation. Not that if I try not to listen, I wouldn’t hear anything. They were only a few feet away from me.

“My secretary isn’t around so I decided to get the blueprints myself,” Younghyun still wasn’t smiling and I hate how my heart fluttered even by watching him from afar.

“We could’ve just sent you the digital ones…” Architect Wonpil drawled, forehead now creased a little as he surveyed our department, and then looked back at Younghyun.

An elbow nudged my waist and I didn’t even have to turn to know who it was.

Sana leaned closer to whisper to my ear, “Looks like loverboy is in a bad mood…”

I shot her a glare and she cowered away. I’m not really up for her teasing right now, especially after Younghyun ignored me like that, after not communicating with me for days.

Funny because I’m having all these mixed feelings about not seeing him for days yet he looked completely fine and unfazed.

That’s clearly a sign. A huge and intelligible sign for dumb love-struck people like me.

I couldn’t focus. My mind was pre-occupied the whole time, and just like that, the morning passed by in a blur. When the clock struck 12, Sana and her usual whiny (but okay, cute) requests for me to join her during lunch has commenced.

Before I could even utter my protest, Sana already dragged me from my chair and outside the building, saying it’s already lunch time and we have a lot to talk about. We ended up dining in a nearby restaurant, and while waiting for our food, Sana began shooting me with questions again.

“I saw that!” she blunted, to which I furrowed my brows to.

“Saw what?”

“Loverboy’s demeanor turned somber before he left… What happened while I was outside?”

I rolled my eyes. She’s not going to drop this topic anytime soon, so I have no choice but to entertain her.

“Nothing. I didn’t even know he was there. I just found out the same moment you did.”

“Hmm…” she hummed, propping her chin on her palm. “I saw something I shouldn’t have seen… but I ain’t telling you, sis. Unless you let me join the dinner later instead of you.”

“Should I even ask what that is? Anyway, you can go later. I’m no longer going.”

Sana gasped. And then giggled. Ah, what a fool she is.

“Appointment with loverboy? Well… figures. I think you really should have a make-up sex or something, loverboy looked extremely jealous this morning.”

The word _jealous_ rang in my head and I almost laughed.

“No, I don’t have anything to do with that man later, I have other plans. And no, what are you going on about? There’s no way he’s jealous. Are you crazy? You know what we are, Sana. And there’s no reason for him to be jealous. He just randomly appeared in our office and left soon after. And we haven’t talked for like four days. You saw how he ignored me. That’s him setting boundaries.”

“Boundaries? For your arrangement? Is that what you think the reason is that he’s ignoring you?”

The food finally arrived, and before we dug in, Sana just had to continue spitting nonsense. “Or maybe he’s bedding someone else now?”

“Shut up,” I pointed my fork at her and she instantly shifted on her seat, straightening her posture. “He’s not.”

I know he’s not fucking around behind my back. Or so I’d like to believe. Because as much as possible, we want to stay clean while we’re in this arrangement. Even if it’s all physical, there has to be limits. Unless we’re already putting an end to this set-up then he’s free to fuck other women.

I felt something pierced my heart. The vision of him sensually touching another woman, kissing another woman, and maybe eventually falling for another woman drew out nothing but trepidation even in my deepest consciousness.

“Ah, right. I met up with my college friends the other week and I found out two of them used to do it too with your loverboy.”

My ears perked up at what Sana just said. The image of him fucking another woman started to appear again in my mind and I tried so hard to dismiss the thought of him doing it with someone else.

After eating a spoonful of her food, Sana glanced at me, face painted with confusion. “But what I don’t understand is that from what they told me, Kang Younghyun isn’t the type to stay in that kind of arrangement for so long. According to their words, he ‘fucks and leaves’. And that’s not the only thing that’s been confusing me.”

I cleared my throat, composing myself amidst the tremors in my nerves and the loud and painful pummelling I feel within my chest. “Why are you so invested in this?”

“Why are _you_ making me so invested in this, you mean!” Sana frowned. “You’re my friend and I want to be here for you, of course you’re going to tell me this is all just fun and games, but I genuinely think that for a fuck buddy? He’s too sweet.” And then she giggled.

I rolled my eyes and didn’t bother responding to her anymore because this conversation will be dragged on for too long and honestly, it’s no longer good for my delusional heart.

Of course, I know that he fucked around before. It doesn’t take a genius to know that. Just one look at him and you’ll sense the menacing aura he exudes and the thing is, even though you are perfectly aware of the hazard that awaits you in getting yourself involved with him, you still just find yourself getting drawn to him and no amount of struggle and protest will do for you to break away.

I’m not saying that I know that from experience, but that’s exactly what I’m saying.

He fucks and leaves, huh.

This affair will end soon, I can feel it. After all, it’s all physical benefits and no strings are expected to be attached. So while I’m here, I’ll just enjoy as much as I can and pray that what I feel for him will eventually come to a stop, just like what will become of us in the end— _nothing._

 

My Monday was ruined just like that, and my mood was sour for the whole week.

It’s already weekend, and still, no texts from Younghyun.

I know, I said I shouldn’t be bothered. Because if it’s already coming to an end, then I have no power to stop him. I shouldn’t, but no matter how hard I try to convince myself that this isn’t that deep, every time I remember him, my heart aches and I’m always yearning for him. _For more_. I tried so hard to conceal my feelings just so we wouldn’t end on the grounds of me harbouring romantic feelings for him. But every single day I spend away from him, my desire to enter his world just keeps on intensifying.

But his world is never mine to cross.

Entering his world is like spiralling into my doom.

_No personal questions._

I know I had no right to ask, so on Saturday night, I decided to just go through his social media accounts—his Instagram account specifically.

_Amsterdam._

_Paris._

_Switzerland._

Wow.

I was at awe by how enthralling his photos were, taken in these places. They were all just recently posted. Seems like he went on a Europe trip, which he never told me about, especially since we haven’t really talked for over a week now.

 _No personal questions—_ kept ringing in my head.

But shouldn’t he at least have given me a heads up, like, “ _yo, you won’t get dicked for a week or so, good luck.”_ Or something like that?

We made it clear to let each other know when the other is free, or when the other is not available in case one just succumbs into worldly desires at random days or nights (as if we’re not like that about each other everyday).

But then again, I have no right to demand anything.

I scrolled through the messages in my phone, and one particular text caught my attention.

_Minho:_

_Hey… Do you have plans for tomorrow? Do you think you can come over?_

I received this last week, and I was too overwhelmed by my despondent thoughts that I didn’t even bother replying to my brother.

It’s not the perfect time to go home, considering the last time I did was 4 months ago, and… I regret it so much.

But a heart that loves is a heart that hopes. And maybe, this time, it’s a better day. Maybe, life will finally be good to me… somehow.

I gazed at my watch and it’s only 6 in the evening. I packed up some clothes, and a lot of courage for me to take home. I don’t know what’s waiting for me, but my heart will continue to hope that tonight, I’ll find solace in the comfort of my own home.

The ride from my place to our house was short, but even in the short span of those minutes I had to wait, I felt like throwing up. My hands were growing colder and colder, and the moment I stood in front of our gate, my heart pounded painfully within me that I had to clutch my chest and calm myself, before pressing the code.

It was still the same—the soft colors of cream and pink on the walls, the huge flat-screen television my brother bought last year as a present for our dad, the frames of photos on top of the wooden table just across the living room. It’s all the same as I remember them to be.

Turning left, I was welcomed by a huge portrait of my brother in his doctor’s uniform.

 _Choi Minho_. I smiled to myself and silently admired all the medals and ribbons that were also framed next to his portrait—awards that he has received ever since he was little. Awards that my parents are always ready to brag about. And even now that he’s already a doctor, he’s still the trophy my parents are so proud of.

A little towards the left and I saw my own portrait. Simple and dull. There’s nothing really to look at, apart from the few medals and ribbons that were hung beside the frame in a clump, as though making them appear many to make up for the sad truth that they are no way to be compared to my brother’s.

I felt a tingling sensation in my chest, and I inhaled sharply to try and make it go away. This is one thing I hate about going home. I am always reminded of what I really am… of what people actually think of me.

“You’re here?”

I jolted when I heard my mother’s voice echo from the kitchen. I turned around and saw her peeking from the kitchen’s door. I smiled at her, and she just nodded.

The usual.

I marched baby steps towards her and tried to engage in a conversation with her. “Is Minho here?”

As if I just found the cure for cancer, my mother’s face lit up at the mention of my brother’s name. Right. That’s how one should strike a conversation with my family. Mention Minho and you’re in. There’s always a succeeding statement about him and in the end, you’ll regret mentioning Minho because my family won’t shut up about him.

“He was here yesterday. He’s been very busy these days, but I think it all pays off because the president of the hospital has taken a liking in him.”

My mom was smiling, and I swallowed the painful lump in my throat and fought the tears that were threatening to fall.

_When will you ever smile like that while talking about me, mom?_

I smiled at her. “Really?”

She nodded eagerly, “Yes! And you know what…”

There went the never-ending stories of her admiration over her precious son. I just nodded and smiled at everything she said, heart swelling at the sight of my mom smiling, but at the same time, it’s aching, because I was reminded of how I’ve never brought that kind of smile upon her.

I am not from a wealthy family, but I have lived well, thanks to my parents. My mother is a professor in a university and my father is a known high-ranking police officer who has rendered service to the government for almost all of his life.

Minho, my brother who is 8 years older than me. An over-achiever. He shines so brightly that he leaves everyone else around him in the shadows. The child every parent could only dream to have. The sibling every child despises to have.

Over dinner, the arrival of my father rendered me and my mom silent. A greeting that fell off my lips ended up being ignored. I took a deep breath and just focused on chewing the food I was eating, and pretended that it wasn’t difficult to swallow. I’m already used to this, what am I being a pussy for this time?

After we finished eating, I decided to join them in the living room. While mom was watching TV, dad was polishing his police shoes and I quietly sat on the vacant couch, careful not to disturb them.

“Chief Park’s daughter is now a lawyer,” dad blunted, making mom and me look at him.

“His daughter? Joy?” my mom confirmed, then turned to me for a short moment, throwing me a curious look before turning to my dad again. “Ohh, that’s amazing!”

No one dared to add anything to the topic. The only noise that remained in our house was from the television, and I was thankful for that. I would’ve been swallowed already by the awkward silence if it wasn’t for it. I didn’t even bother looking at them, because I was fully aware of what I will see in their faces if I do.

Disappointment.

But then I remembered the high-end apartment our team just designed for the other month, and suddenly my spirits were up again. I have something I am proud of. I have something to tell my parents about myself. I am not the embarrassing child that they think I am.

I cleared my throat before speaking, an expansive smile formed in my face. “Last month I was one of the interior designers for Kang Properties’ new high-end apartment—”

“Why is this dumb girl here?” my dad cut me off.

Mom sighed. “Dear, what’s wrong with—”

“Is she broke and she finally wanted to ask for financial assistance from us?” I jolted when he darted his gaze on me, my eyes burning in tears threatening to roll.

“If you're broke, then go sell yourself.” He continued polishing his police shoes before he stopped momentarily. “That is if someone's willing to buy something with a lot of factory defects like you.”

Taking a deep breath, I slowly stood up and muttered an excuse. I felt my mom’s gaze on me as I walked towards my old room. The moment I entered my room, hot drops of liquid cascaded down my cheeks freely.

It hurts.

Again.

_Dumb girl._

_A lot of factory defects._

All my life, I felt like I had to fight for recognition. For validation. Because I was nothing but my brother’s shadow. A product of his light casting over me.

All my life, I've made a lot of mistakes just so they can pay me even a little bit of their attention. But all my life too, I felt like to be appreciated, I have to be molded into a trophy my parents can boast about. Just like my brother. Because all my life, my achievements were belittled. I can never be good enough.

Ever since I was a kid, I have always loved arts and design, that’s why I took up interior designing. It has always been my dream to be one, to design luxurious spaces of known people. To meet other people in the field. It was what made me happy.

But my dad wanted me to be a lawyer.

And the universe knows, just how bad I wanted to get validation from him… but I finally found something I wanted without thinking of anyone else’s opinion. I wanted to pursue my passion. My heart aches at the mere idea of causing another disappointment to my dad, but I thought if I could show him that I’m doing well, he will finally see that I am not a failure. That he can also be proud of me. That just like my brother, they can also tell me that _I’ve done well._

I wiped the tears that fell from my eyes. How many bad decisions do I still need to make for me to finally learn my lesson? How many dams of tears do I still need to shed before I finally realize that in this lifetime, I will never be enough?

And even if it hurts, when will I ever accept the painful truth that I am not anyone’s favorite girl?

If it was another person, these opinions wouldn’t really matter.

But they’re my family.

And all my life, that’s what they made me feel.

That I’m nothing but failed version of my brother.

I closed my eyes firmly and took consecutive deep breaths, as I laid down my bed. I reached for my phone, and led by my hopeless heart, I looked for my only source of comfort.

_Me:_

_Younghyun._

I closed my eyes again. I’m not really expecting any reply from him. He’s not obliged to tell me what’s going on in his life, let alone comfort me during dark moments like this.

But then my phone vibrated a few seconds after I sent my text message.

_Loverboy:_

_What’s wrong?_

What’s wrong?

The pain in my heart doubled. How can I tell him about this? How can I tell him about _what is wrong_  with me?

My mom doesn’t even ask me that question even when I’m showing all signs of falling apart right in front of her.

What’s wrong?

_Me:_

_Nothing… when are you coming home?_

I gulped and deleted my last sentence, before typing again.

_Me:_

_Nothing…_

How can I tell him I miss him? And that he’s the only one who makes me feel valid?

Younghyun… can I just enter your world and have you shield me from everything that inflicts pain on me?

I waited for a reply, but nothing came.

I heaved a deep sigh. But just before I turned my phone off, it started ringing.

_Loverboy calling…_

My heart raced. I was one press away from hearing his voice again. But then fear crept in my system.

Once I answer this, I’m really going to dive into the deep waters without knowing how to swim.

I looked at my screen again.

_Loverboy calling…_

A deep inhale, and then I answered his call.

He didn’t say anything. Not even a mere _hello_. Silence wrapped the both of us, but it wasn’t deafening. Because even though he wasn’t saying anything, I could hear his soft breaths. And it was enough to reduce me again into tears.

A soft sob escaped from my lips and I instantly covered my mouth with my hand.

And then suddenly, he spoke.

_“What’s wrong?”_

I swallowed hard, keeping myself from making another sound. My heart hurts so much. There went Younghyun and the comfort his voice brings me. The pacifying feeling his words render me. The warmth his arms enclose me with. The solace I get from Kang Younghyun.

I didn’t respond, and then he asked again.

_“Eris… what’s wrong?”_

Ah. My name sounds so beautiful when it rolls off his tongue like this. Not just when he’s moaning my name. It sounded so warm and fuzzy that I had my eyes closed for a keen moment.

I shook my head, as if he could actually see me. “Nothing.”

My voice was hoarse and my nose was clogged. Those were clear signs that it’s not _nothing._ But Younghyun didn’t pry any more details from me.

I guess he just really doesn’t care.

I laughed at myself. Eris, your dad was right. You’re dumb. Thinking that Younghyun has somehow come to love you too. And you have a lot of factory defects. Younghyun doesn’t need you.

I glanced again at my phone and the call was still running. I want to speak more. I want to hear more of his voice. But I am scared. Because I am perfectly aware that I am bound to lose him soon.

I am losing him, when he’s not even mine to begin with.

Mustering up the little courage I had left in me, I ended the call.

With tear-stained cheeks, I drifted to slumber, heart heavy from all the _factory defects_ I have and am forever troubled by. I went home with a hopeful heart. I know there will be a better day. I just know. Life will be better to me someday… but maybe… it’s just not today.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> twitter: @jaemibbeom  
> curiouscat: https://curiouscat.me/jamlovesjae
> 
> might be updating this regularly... idk.  
> talk to me hahahaha i appreciate your comments so much :((( haha


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> twitter: @jaemibbeom  
> curiouscat: https://curiouscat.me/jamlovesjae

I barely had any sleep and it felt like I’ve only closed my eyes for a few minutes before I jolted awake, and I knew I had to leave before anyone sees me.

Every step I took was sluggish, my heart was heavy.

In the end, I always have to leave the place I used to call home and go for a never-ending search for a place I can take refuge in and call my own.

Sundays are supposed to be my rest days, but my thoughts just won’t dislodge themselves and I had to keep myself occupied to avoid drowning in my sadness. I decided to just finish the designs I was making last week, and maybe go out later to hang out with Sana if she’s free. Or I don’t know. Anything but lie in bed and dwell on the truth that I am alone again. I am rejected again. I am invalid and no one actually needs my existence.

Glancing over my phone, I opened the conversation I had last night.

I sighed.

I hate it when I’m left with no other choice but to repeatedly read the exchange of texts between me and Younghyun. Because I can’t see him, and I can’t demand time from him. I can’t even use our arrangement as an excuse to see him right now because I’m sure he’s still in Switzerland—his last instagram post that was uploaded just yesterday said so. He’s still in Switzerland last night. And I have no idea when he will come back.

Hours were painfully slow and I spent every agonizing minute staring at his photos and daydreaming I was actually there with him. Or that he never left and was here with me. My heart swelled at the idea of being in his arms, and I laughed at myself at how far-fetched it sounded.

I don’t even know if we’re still going to have this set-up when he comes home.

I’m going to lose him… and it hurts my heart so much. I’m going to start from scratch again and search for validation from the wrong people. An unceasing cycle. A pathetic life.

I scoffed at the hot tear that cascaded down my cheek while I lied on my couch and stared at the nothingness that my ceiling offered me to gaze at. Why am I shedding tears? Shouldn’t I be relieved that we’ll be over soon, and that means I won’t be hurting myself any further in the near future?

But then even when my brain argues, my heart will always protest.

_I don’t want to lose Younghyun._

Time just passed by like that. In the end, I couldn’t finish the work I intended to be done tonight and submit to my grumpy supervisor with huge ears. I’d always loop back to the thoughts I was drowning in last night, and then yearn for the warmth I’ve been longing to be enclosed with for the past week.

For the nth time, I sighed, before finally getting up of my bed to shower and dress up to go out. I have no plans for tonight since it’s a Sunday, plus, Sana is not available because apparently, she got herself a date. Good for her, though.

It’s already 8 in the evening and I haven’t eaten dinner yet so I’ll just go to the restaurant I frequently visit and eat my usual meal there like the lonely girl that I am.

Yet before I could even take a step forward after opening my door, I froze on my spot—jaw dropped, eyes round in shock.

It took me a while before I could take a hold of my senses well again.

“Younghyun?”

My heart began to race and thumped loudly inside my chest that it physically hurt to breathe. Younghyun stood before me, wearing a long moss green coat, forehead creased a little and with a small frown etched on his ever handsome face.

The first thing that came to my mind was to hug him, because I missed him so damn much!

Which I didn’t do.

Because why would I? I don’t even know why he’s here. Who knows, he might actually be here to end everything between us officially, and his presence is just some sort of formality he thought he had to grace me with instead of just texting me about it.

And wasn’t he still in Switzerland just last night?

“Aren’t you even going to let me in first?”

His voice… damn. Cold shivers ran down my spine when my ears perceived his low voice. Immediately, to mask the yearning I was having for him, I frowned and opened the door widely to let him enter my place.

Even his footsteps sounded angry. I watched as Younghyun hang his coat on my coat rack like he owns the place and he knows every nook and cranny of my condo. I remained silent and so did he. He didn’t utter anything and just plopped himself down on my huge couch.

The next few minutes were spent in me, trying to make sense of what exactly brought him here and why does he look so mad?

If there’s someone who should be mad, it’s me. How dare him ignore me for almost two weeks and then he’ll pop up here like nothing happened and he actually had the audacity to act like this towards me?

Younghyun darted his gaze on me who was still standing beside my now closed door. His brows were furrowed, and how could a man look this dashing even when he looks like a bomb ticking, waiting to explode?

“Why are you still standing there?” he raised a brow.

Wow, spoken like a true owner of the place.

I bit my lip and decided not to verbally respond anymore and just sit down on the smaller couch beside the one he’s sitting at. With every step, I could feel his piercing gaze on me and I grew more and more conscious of his presence as I approached closer to him.

It was then that I deemed the best time to finally speak. “Why are you here?”

Younghyun looked away. “Where were you going before I came?”

I shrugged. “Just about to go out and eat dinner. But I guess I’ll just have it delivered here.” And of course, I didn’t want to appear rude, so I thought I had to ask, “Do you want to eat? I’m going to call the delivery hotline number now.”

He then glanced back at me, brows still furrowed. And then he sighed. “Yeah. Order food for me too.”

I fought the urge to hurl my phone at him. Wow. Just… wow. The audacity! After ignoring me for a long time, he’ll appear here, and then he’ll ask me to buy him dinner? I mean, yeah, I asked, but that was because I thought he already ate before coming here. And I also thought he still has shame in his body and would actually decline my offer to treat him food.

That was how I ended up buying 2 jjajamyeon… and 1 order each of jjamppong and tangsuyuk. I only ate jjajangmyeon, and the rest was his.

I couldn’t even finish my food  because I was too busy watching him gobble everything in front of us, like he hasn’t eaten for months and this was his first meal. Somehow, my heart tingled both in relief and pain.

The brief time I’ve spent with him so far tonight was some sort of catharsis on my part. It kind of worked like a transient reassurance that we’re not ending what we have yet; at least not tonight.

But then again, it’s only a transient reassurance. A temporary relief. Because even if it’s not tonight, we’re still bound to end it soon.

Without uttering a word, I stood up and headed to my bathroom to brush my teeth and prepare to sleep after. I guess I’ll just drive him away after this. Exhaustion started to claw at my limbs and I felt like if I pine for him tonight more than I’ve been pining for him all this time, I’m going to combust and all my efforts to conceal my feelings will go down the drain. Because everytime I look at him, the urge to cry over how intense my emotions are piling up inside me just gets stronger and stronger.

But all of a sudden, he was towering over me as he reached for his toothbrush.

Right. He has his own toothbrush here.

The raw idea of having his toothbrush here stung. It’s something so trivial, but to me it’s a huge deal. More than what our arrangement provides, it feels like merely having something like that in here offers exclusivity between us. It makes me feel like we are more than just fuck buddies, or I don’t know, friends with benefits? Have I been promoted to that position already?

As if being friends with benefits is any better.

I left him there and went back to the living room because it was getting more difficult to catch air to breathe when all I want to take in was his scent.

I sat on the huge couch he was sitting on earlier and turned the TV on, trying my best to stay occupied so when he came back, I wouldn’t be tempted to follow him with my gaze.

Younghyun went back to the living room shortly after, and I expected him to sit on the vacant couch but joined and took the space beside me. We were only a ruler away from each other. Still, I wasn’t looking at him.

No one was blunting a word, and I listened to the awkward silence between us; the sound from the talent show being shown on television just diffused into the background as some kind of white noise and all I could hear was the pounding of my heart.

“What did you do during the past week?” he blurted a query, surprising me.

Slowly, I turned to him, and he was already looking at me. The crease on his forehead that manifests his annoyance was now gone, and my heart swelled at the sight of him intently looking at me.

I bit my lip to fight the smile that was creeping on my face. “Just work.”

He didn’t answer, and suddenly his forehead was puckered again, eyes now fixated on the TV screen. I smiled inwardly. Even at times like this, I can’t help but admire his features. The way his forehead creases just adds to how attractive he looks like, as though he’s drawing you in and making you take more liking in him because he’s just ultimately interesting like that. He licked his lips and it ignited my urge to kiss him and taste those luscious lips. Everything about Kang Younghyun is just so alluring and you’ll just find yourself held captive and incarcerated by his charms.

Younghyun’s lips formed into a pout and the beat of my heart just doubled.

“Aren’t you even going to ask where I’ve been for the past week?” he said in a whiny tone.

I stifled a laugh and just continued looking at him. “What happened to “no personal questions”, loverboy?” I grinned.

His jaw clenched. “I went to Europe.”

“I know.”

Surprised, he turned to me. “You know?”

“People were talking about you,” was the most convenient lie. It's not like I can tell him, _yo, I stalked you on instagram that's why I knew, but chill man I ain't crossing the line to your personal world even if I wish I could._

I sighed, before standing up to go to the kitchen to get water when he tugged my arm and pulled me back down, now I’m sitting on his lap.

I stared at him questioningly. Younghyun’s gaze was dark, firm, and unwavering, and my breath hitched when he shifted and fixed the way I was sitting on his lap. I jolted in shock when he held both of my hands and instantly, I pushed him away. He was wearing a black button down long sleeve shirt and I gulped when my gaze fell on one undone button where his skin peeked, as if telling me to look at it.

I inhaled sharply before glancing up and meeting his gaze. Younghyun sighed. “It was a supposed two-week trip.”

I arched a brow, finding his statement unsolicited, yet not wanting the conversation to stop. I remembered our phone call last night. Perplexed, I asked him, “Then why are you already here when it’s only been a week? Weren’t you still in Switzerland last night? When did you come back?”

It was too late when I realized I mentioned the country his IG post said he was at yesterday, which only meant I knew he was in Europe because I checked his account.

But it seemed like Younghyun didn’t catch on it. He just tilted his head and shrugged. “1AM early morning today.”

_What did you do during your Europe trip?_

_Did you enjoy your stay there?_

_Did you miss me?_

I almost laughed at my dumb thoughts. Younghyun isn’t obliged to tell me about those things. And why would he miss me? If there’s something he’ll miss, it’s just sex. But that’s if he’s being true to our arrangement and he didn’t go around fucking other women behind my back while he was away.

The vision of him touching another woman made another pummelling in my heart and I was so close to breaking apart. If gazes could actually pierce, I would've long bore holes in my eyes. Younghyun held my hands, making me flinch.

“I hope you didn't fuck around in the short while I was away.”

I rolled my eyes and fought the urge to smash the remote control on his head. “I will never do that,” I arched a brow. “But I can't say the same about you.”

He squeezed my hand tighter before I felt it loosen, and then his expression softened. “I didn't. And I will never.”

I couldn't point my finger to what exactly, but there was something in the way he spoke those words... I stopped myself before I drowned again into false hopes and broke away from his hold. I headed to the kitchen and instead of drinking water like how I first intended to do so, I went to the kitchen counter and decided to wash the plates and glasses I used today that I got so lazy to wash earlier.

As I was on my last rinse of the utensils, I felt a pair of arms snake on my waist, and then hot lips were latched on my jawline, tracing the skin there until it reached the skin below my left ear.

Kang fucking Younghyun is at it again.

I gasped when his lips went down to my neck and I had to roll my head back to give him more access because I know that it’s what he’s asking for, and I can never resist him. Younghyun started sucking my skin gently, nibbling on it and then went on sucking it hard enough for it to bruise.

Damn it. He’s marking me again.

I have to wear turtleneck tops again for days to hide my hickeys.

One hand went under my shirt to cup my breast and simultaneously, I felt him gently bite the skin below my jaw. I closed my eyes and inhaled sharply.

“Younghyun, I’m busy.” I warned.

“Hmmm,” he just hummed, seeming unbothered.

I sighed, feeling my upcoming defeat. “At least let me finish washing the dishes.”

I placed my hands right before the faucet to rinse them from soap suds when Younghyun spun me around, making me face him.

“Focus on me when I'm here.”

His voice was low and menacing, but the expression on his face was the opposite. His visage was soft, eyes now gently looking at me.

I exhaled deeply, drying my hands with the clean towel I got from the top of the refrigerator just beside the sink.

I cupped both of his cheeks, squishing them. He pouted as I did so and I giggled at how cute he actually looked. Gone was the multi-billionaire Kang Younghyun, CEO of the leading real estate developer company in South Korea, a fierce lion in the business, who is filthy rich and intimidating.

Only my loverboy, who successfully stole my heart without him even knowing.

“What do you want now, loverboy?”

He advanced to close the gap between us with a chaste kiss. When he moved away, his brows were furrowed again. “Who's that Christopher Bang?”

I paused to observe him. My forehead creased a little, confused by his sudden question. What does that kid have to do with us?

“What about him?”

Younghyun rolled his eyes. “That guy you kept on talking with that day when I visited your company.”

Right. The last time I saw him was last Monday when he visited our company—when he blatantly ignored me.

“He’s just a colleague. And I won’t screw that kid. I’m older than him, he’s too young for my own liking.” I explained, eyes staring straight into his to make it more convincing.

I mean, it’s true, though. Chris is like, 2 years younger than me. I won’t date guys who are younger than me. And heck, I won’t even date someone of my age. I have strict requirements when it comes to guys I like, and I stick to them.

Which reminds me of my 5-year age gap with Younghyun. I’m 24 and he’s 29.

I just remembered. It doesn’t really matter.

Younghyun’s brows furrowed again as he spoke, his lips cutely formed into a pout with every word he uttered. “But he was looking differently at you!” he whined like a kid to which I raised a brow at.

“What were you even doing there? Couldn’t you just wait for the team to send you the digital blueprints?”

He bit his lower lip before averting his gaze. “I went there to visit and pick you up because I wanted you to come with me to Europe. But you looked like you were having so much fun so I went alone.”

My jaw dropped at what he just told me. I made him face me, now it was my turn to whine.

“You should’ve told me! I would’ve come, you know… I want to go to Europe too!”

Younghyun snorted, lower lip protruded in a pout, making it more obvious that he was sulking. “Go ask that Christopher Bang to take you to Europe.”

I smiled, before clinging my arms on his neck. “Hmm… okay, I’ll ask him tomorrow… Paris sounds nice, yeah?”

Younghyun’s eyes turned dark and his hold on my waist went tighter. “You’re not going anywhere with that guy.” He advanced and closed the distance between our lips in a hot, searing kiss. His hands started caressing my back slowly, pulling me closer to him.

I giggled against his lips before pulling away. “I thought you said I should ask him to take me to Europe?”

“No…” he grunted, pulling me again for another steamy kiss. _“Only me... I'm the only one who can take you to places.”_

My heart fluttered wildly.

I don’t know how he did it, but I just found myself on top of the kitchen counter, forehead pressed against his while his hands rested on my waist.

Younghyun’s hands ascended to my face and cupped my cheeks before attacking me again with his lips. This time, it was softer. His kiss was gentle, like he was scared of inflicting pain on me. When he pulled away, he brushed some of my hair strands away from my face and I sat there, staring right into his beautiful orbs.

“I missed you, baby…” he whispered before planting another soft kiss on my lips.

_Baby._

There went the crazy pummelling within me. My heart went wild upon hearing those four words. He missed me… he said he missed me…

I closed my eyes, trying my best not to tear up in front of him. He said he missed me… did he really? Probably not. No, most certainly not. He just missed getting into steamy encounters like this and that’s it.

Eris, don’t be too sentimental.

When his hands went to the back of my head to caress my hair, I melted. Especially when I glanced up and his beautiful smile greeted me, and my chest felt like it was going to explode anytime from all these vehement feelings I have for him. The urge to cry was so strong I almost gave in, because my heart just hurts so much at the thought that I am this intimate with Younghyun.

Eris, don’t be too fucking sentimental.

Younghyun pressed his lips again on mine before smiling, “We’re heading to heaven now… are you ready?”

I laughed. “I was born ready.”

 

 

A little touch of heaven—warm, tender, cozy, and most importantly, we’re together. With his arms wrapped around me, I could only wish I had the power to make the night longer. So I could be enclosed in his arms for a longer time, safe and secured. So I could pretend that I own him.

The unspoken rule remains to be there. No emotional strings should be attached.

Someone please tattoo that on his forehead so I would be reminded everytime I look at him. Because honestly, right now, I don’t think I can save myself anymore from drowning in my feelings for him. They’ve gone too deep, and it’s so stupid of me to just dive in when I was perfectly aware that I don’t know how to swim.

Looking at him this close, when we’re clasped in a warm hug, I feel like I’ve achieved something huge. Because I know that I made him happy, even though it’s just sexual satisfaction that I’m giving him, at least I feel like I’m actually doing something that doesn’t disappoint the other end. In bed, I am needed. I am appreciated. Whenever Younghyun’s hands travel across every part of my body and leave kisses there, it almost feels like he’s putting me on a pedestal and I am to be worshipped by him.

I felt a soft tug on my heart when Younghyun scooted closer, his arm serving as a pillow for me.

“Are you going to the party next week?” he softly asked, hand gently caressing my head and I leaned on his touch.

I smiled. “I am.”

“We can just go together.”

Giving him a confused look, I shook my head. “No… What will people say when they see us together?”

He averted his gaze before responding. “I have no one to go with.”

As if anyone would believe that.

“Liar. You know there are a lot of women who are in line, waiting to be chosen.”

He sighed. “I don't like them.”

I raised a brow, despite the fact that he wasn’t looking at me. “And you like me?” I jested.

Damn, Eris. Go on. Speak as if this is not a potential reason for your affair to end. You know too well how you're not supposed to have feelings for him, and so is he. How can he like you? He's not stupid like you.

There was a pregnant pause and during that brief moment, my hopeful heart was yearning for a simple answer.

_Yes._

_I like you._

_I love you._

Why are these words so difficult to receive?

No _yes_ from my parents.

No _I like you_ from them.

A dream of hearing _I love you_ from them will forever remain a dream.

And Younghyun…

“Don't be too full of yourself.” He rolled his eyes and I rolled my eyes too, masking the pain in my chest through a laugh.

Right. Younghyun too.

I can never receive those words, even from him.

And then we were wrapped in complete silence. I was still lying with his arm as my pillow, but he has already stopped caressing my hair. I pulled the comforter and covered my naked chest, folding it to serve as some kind of boundary between us in bed. Younghyun heaved a deep sigh and I choked back a sob.

_Younghyun, please just wreathe me in your arms…_

It’s been almost two weeks since I was this close to him. My crestfallen heart is yearning for the warmth and comfort his embrace renders me. But how come when I reach out for him, even when we are breaths away like this, it feels like I am actually miles apart from him?

Suddenly, Younghyun was pulling me again close to him, and my throat tightened in so much pain I almost let out a cry.

“I saw your new supervisor. Park Jinyoung? Another guy?”

Taking a deep breath, I nodded. “Yeah. He’s nice. Just a little grumpy sometimes, but overall he’s a really good guy.”

Younghyun eyes were brooding once again as he reached out to brush some hair strands away from my eyes. “Nice guys aren’t really _nice_ guys.” he cupped my cheek. “Don’t be around him too much.”

“How am I supposed to do that? I’m directly under him.”

“Don’t talk to that Christopher Bang too.”

“What? He’s my friend! I don’t remember any rule that says I’m not allowed to talk to my friends?”

He ignored my question and pulled me to his chest, letting me breathe him in.

God… please let me be here forever.

“So... do you want to go to the party with me?” he diverted the topic and I just let him.

I gazed up at him and he stared back at me.

“Well, of course you will meet potential clients there, or suppliers for furnitures and things you need at work. But you can actually work independently, you know? You don't have to work in that company anymore. I can introduce you to other real estate developers. Or you can just work as our interior designer. I'll have a contract ready—”

“No.” I cut him, making his brows crease. I sighed. “I love my work... and my colleagues, they're nice. I like the idea of working with them.”

“There are too many guys in your company.” He pouted like a child, and it pinched my heart.

God. I could almost believe he's actually jealous... if only I didn't know him. And if only I didn't remember what we are.

Stuck in a limbo. That’s what I am. I know that what I am in is going to push me to my doom, but I can’t move. And instead of trying to find ways to escape, I just let myself be stuck. Because even when the pain from loving him tortures me, the comfort he gives me cannot be compared to anything and that’s the same thing I always want to come back to.

Eris, stop. Don’t dwell on his gestures too much.

For fuck’s sake. Enforce your boundaries. You already know that bearing feelings for him is wrong, why let yourself sink deeper than where you already are?

“Why do you make it sound like I fuck around with every man I meet?” I moved away from him, feigning offense.

Younghyun looked surprised at my rant. He shook his head and pulled me close to him once more before kissing the top of my head.

“No, baby... that's not what I meant, no…” he enclosed me with his free arm now too, hugging me fully from the side. “I just...”

I sighed.

I know.

“I know. I should be clean. I understand. It's not like I'm forgetting our rules.”

I'm not forgetting our rules. I just broke one.

Younghyun fell silent and just stared at me, and so did I. When silence speaks, it’s always the most difficult to retort.

Slowly, I broke away from his hold and turned to the opposite direction, pulling the comforter over my nakedness. After a minute or two, I felt him move, and I could almost picture him facing the other direction too.

I stared at the small window in my room, moonlight peaking a little from it. I lost track of time already. I waited for his stable breathing—a sign that he's asleep—but I don’t even know if he’s already drifted into slumber.

Silently, I let go of the tears I was holding back.

It hurts... it hurts to stay like this. Feeling him so close, but never being able to reach him. It's always a hanging almost. Almost us. But there was never an _us_. And there will _never_ be an _us._

I wiped my tears silently, swallowed the sobs that were threatening to escape from my lips. Why did I ever let myself fall for someone like him? 99% of people who engage in this arrangement are really all for fun and games. They never take it seriously.

So, why, Eris?

Did you really hope you'll end up as something different?

I gazed at the moon from the window, and then I realized how it reminds me so much of him.

Because just like the moon, he leaves, often before the sun is fully risen in the sky… and by then, I know that I must stand alone again, and be my own person.

Because he is Kang Younghyun.

Forever beautiful.

Forever bright.

_And forever far away._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> twitter: @jaemibbeom  
> curiouscat: https://curiouscat.me/jamlovesjae
> 
> please talk to me on twitter or CC, whichever works for u haha :((((  
> damn, loverboy.
> 
> I appreciate all of your comments!!! I love comments hahah


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> twitter: @jaemibbeom  
> curiouscat: https://curiouscat.me/jamlovesjae

“Eris! I thought you weren’t coming?”

I smiled at Chris who welcomed me with a grin as I entered the banquet hall of the hotel. It’s wide and spacious, as expected of the luxurious hotel the company chose for the 20th founding anniversary party to be held. From the bespoke carpeted floor, to the round tables, the chairs all wrapped in white, to the high ceiling painted in cream with large rectangular crystal pendant chandeliers. The walls looked like huge golden doors with bronze outline and chocolate brown frame. Chris led me to the other side of the banquet hall, where from a distance, I caught Sana in my vision—sipping on her glass of champagne.

“I don’t want Jinyoung to reprimand me on Monday when he finds out our interior design team is incomplete during the party.” Before we could reach the table where Sana was, we passed by a group of businessmen who happened to be our former clients.

Right. It’s an event where we’ll get to meet important people—important to our company’s business, to be specific. Clients, potential clients, suppliers, and employees gathered tonight to celebrate the 20th year of Pearl Designs Seoul.

It’s a formal party, which explains why I paired with my black stiletto this black one off-shoulder maxi dress with high side slit that reaches up my waist, revealing my left leg and thigh. It’s tight-fitted and it hugs my body perfectly—according to Sana’s words when she chose this dress for me to wear, as she picked a black spaghetti strap dress with high slit too because to quote her, _“If you got it, flaunt it.”_

Not that I have anything to flaunt, though.

I recognized some of the businessmen as we stopped to greet them. There were four of them, one was the CEO of a real estate developing company we’ve worked for before, two were high ranking police officers that were familiar to me since my father is of the same profession.

“Miss Choi!” it was Mr. Yoon, the CEO of the company that launched a high-end apartment that we designed last year.

Beaming them a smile, I politely bowed. “Good evening, Sir.”

One of the police officers recognized me too and offered me a handshake. “If it isn’t Superintendent General Choi’s daughter!”

Chris and I greeted them again, including the other man who I have never met before. My gaze lingered on him for a while, and it felt strange how when our eyes met, I was instantly drawn to him. Of course, I had to tear off the stare first because it is just plain rude, especially since we don’t know each other; but one thing is for sure, something that does not need familiarity to be confirmed:

He is gorgeous.

The man in burgundy suit offered his hand for a handshake, at it kind of caught me off guard when I heard his voice.

“Park Sungjin.” He introduced himself with a bow, making his fringe dance as they curtain his eyes.

I nodded, then shook his hand. “Choi Eris.”

Chris introduced himself too, before excusing himself to go to the table where Sana was, who was now sitting beside Architect Wonpil.

And suddenly there were flashing lights from the photographers who began skittering towards the main door, making all of us turn to the same direction, curious of who arrived.

My breath hitched at the person that came to sight.

There came Kang Younghyun in his dapper black suit and winsome smile.

And a woman whose arm was linked to his in a red long dress with plunging neckline, revealing almost all of her bare chest—screaming nothing but elegance as her dress accentuated her figure.

I stood in daze as I looked at them pose for the cameras, giving off that intimate vibe that will tell you they are more than just mere acquaintances of each other. The woman he was with tilted her head to the side, and from my spot it appeared as though she was leaning her head on his shoulder. Younghyun beamed the cameras a small smile before bowing.

And in that brief moment, my heart sank at what I have witnessed.

_Didn’t he tell me he has no one to go to the party with?_

Younghyun suddenly glanced my way and like in autopilot, I averted my gaze and turned to the people I was having a conversation with before we were interrupted by their grand entrance.

“Oh, that was dramatic,” CEO Yoon chuckled before turning to me. “By the way, Miss Choi, a friend of mine was looking for an interior designer for his rest house in Daegu, now that I met you again here, do you want me to refer you to him? I know you’re going to do an amazing job. I mean, I’ve witnessed your works.”

A blush crept on my cheeks at the sudden compliments. I’m really not used to receiving one, but I can’t deny that it actually feels good to be complimented by other people as they credit you for your efforts.

“Sure, sir. Please tell your friend to send me an email.”

“You’re an interior designer?” it was Park Sungjin who queried, to which I nodded to as a response.

“Yes, I am.”

Park Sungjin smiled, one that was radiant and contagious I couldn’t help but smile back. “Ah, right. I’m actually the CEO of Park Land Inc., and right now we’re planning for another real estate project in Busan… maybe we can work with your company for the, you know, schematic design, design development and contract documentation… and perhaps the interior designing as well?”

My jaw dropped. I didn’t expect meeting another potential client right now. I mean, of course we were bound to meet them, but me? Someone as plain and simple as me? Talking to a potential huge client after introducing myself as a mere interior designer?

Wow…

“Please… please talk to the higher ups… I’m only an interior designer…” I replied sheepishly, but my heart pounded in sheer excitement from the mere thought of closing another deal that started from my meeting with the actual CEO of the company. I just feel like I achieved something.

Park Sungjin gave me a nod—one that was telling me he’d surely talk to our company for this project. Before he could even utter another word, the other police officer we were with spoke.

“You’re Superintendent General Choi’s daughter?”

I nodded and muttered a soft _Yes_ , still in a jovial mood from the previous conversation I shared with Park Sungjin.

“Oh! I didn’t know he had a daughter? I thought he only had a son… I mean, you know him, he’s always all about his doctor son and how proud he is of him… I’ve never heard about you.” he laughed.

Sometimes, I still forget that happiness is always short-lived for me.

I bit my lower lip and heaved a sigh. In the end, I was reduced to nothing but a small smile, feeling myself shrink again little by little in every second that passed.

I know. I’m aware. I am totally aware, and it’s something I have come to accept while growing up. That it’s normal that people would not know about me and mistake my brother for an only child. Because my parents don’t talk about me to other people. I understand, though. It’s all because there’s nothing to brag about me. That too, I am aware of. And it’s okay. I’m used to it. After all, I am nobody’s favorite girl. I am not anyone’s favorite person.

“Sir, I think that’s too personal to ask and joke about,” Sungjin piped in from the side, making me look at him.

Shaking my head, I beamed him another smile, and I hope it translates to him that I am fine and he doesn’t have to step in because that would only drag the conversation longer.

I excused myself not long after, then headed to the table where Sana and Chris were. Sana offered me the seat beside her, pushing Chris to the side, leaving him with no other choice but to sit on the next chair. I laughed at the realization of how mischievous Sana is. I’m really glad that she’s my friend. Even not on purpose, whenever I’m in a bad mood, there are always things that she does that earn a laugh or smile from me. Sana is precious like that and I don’t want to lose her.

As soon as I took the seat, the President of our company has begun his mandatory speech for tonight’s event.

“Good evening, my precious guests,” he heartily laughed. “It’s Pearl Designs Seoul’s 20th founding anniversary, and I am thankful for everyone who joined us in celebrating this big event. Failure is the mother of success, and the roads of the two are almost exactly the same. We would not have reached this far if it wasn’t for the amazing architects and designers our company has all the rights to boast for, as well as all the employees behind the successful 20 years of amazing work in Pearl Designs Seoul.”

His speech went on from words of gratitude, to the actual projects the company has finished from its humble beginnings until now that it has grown huge. President Kim mentioned a few company names which of course, includes Kang Properties Inc., and I fought the urge to search for Younghyun in the place. Sana clapped her hands at the mention of the company, and even if I wasn’t looking at her, I know that she was throwing me a knowing look. I just sighed inwardly and continued to listen.

“Also, this party is somewhat a double celebration for our family because my daughter Ruby, has come home from Paris. My darling, it’s been a while since you last came home, all we could hear about you were from the news of your amazing works in France.” said President Kim and everyone laughed. Everyone, except me, when I saw the woman Younghyun was with earlier stand up and come to President Kim, and I watched as he acknowledged her presence. Now it makes sense why the photographers all flocked around her when she arrived. She’s the daughter of our company’s president. As I abided listening to President Kim, my heart swelled at how he sounded so proud of his daughter.

So her name’s Ruby, huh?

Appetizers were served to all tables first, and after the president’s speech, we were told to eat already as we were served dinner and as we listened to few more speeches from the people at the top management. After eating, we were all finally back to our own businesses. Champagnes were served from aisle to aisle like a default drink, guests roamed around the hall to have conversations with one another, or to get alcohol from the mini bar at the back. Sana and Chris left to get theirs and Architect Wonpil was left sitting with me, but we aren’t close enough for us to have a conversation so I kept silent and waited for my friends to come back.

Jisoo went to our table. To my surprise, she was actually present, and she was with Jinyoung.

I arched a brow at her and she just bit her lip before they took the seats on the right of Sana’s chair. I don’t understand what’s happening, why were they together? From what I remember, Jisoo is Jinyoung’s favorite target for nagging and reprimanding, and she hated him for that. I wanted to ask her questions, but I realized that there are queries that are better off not asked. Because answering them for the purpose of making things clear will only end up making everything more blurry and clouded.

When Sana arrived, she shifted and moved closer to me and whispered, “Loverboy is approaching. Tuck your hair behind your ear for more charming points.” She giggled.

And she was right. Younghyun was there, taking confident strides towards our table, baffling me. Why is he going to our direction? Architect Wonpil is the only he’s friends with among the people in our table.

Also, why is that woman sashaying towards our table as well?

I took a deep breath and sat in silence as I watched them take the seats across mine. I was literally facing Younghyun, and it took me a lot of restraint not to fixate my gaze on him. Instead, I pinned Ruby a good look, and it dawned on me that maybe, this is actually Younghyun’s type. Her bright red lipstick was a warning that she’s not just another woman out there. Her voluptuous body tells me it’s exactly how Younghyun wants his women to be. Huge breasts she’s too proud not to show, plus the curves in her body were all in the right places. Even with just one glance, I can tell she’s older than me.

I won’t even bother comparing myself to her because I know… I don’t stand a chance.

This is the kind of woman Younghyun deserves. Beautiful. Smart. Successful. Just like him. A woman like Ruby.

“Hi, I’m Ruby Kim.” she introduced herself, and I fought my urge to frown. We know you. Your father just introduced you earlier, remember?

My eyes dropped at how her arm was still linked with Younghyun’s, and the sight pinched my heart. Not wanting to dwell on the painful tingle, I looked away.

We all acknowledged her presence. Small conversations ensued, and I couldn’t keep myself anymore from looking at Younghyun. I was startled when I saw him already looking at me, and I slightly panicked so I averted my gaze towards Ruby.

Ruby glanced at Younghyun who was still looking at me, and so did she. In the course of five seconds, I got a piercing gaze from him and a menacing glare from her.

Ruby cleared her throat before hugging Younghyun’s arm. “You went to Paris? Why didn’t you tell me? We should’ve met there!”

Younghyun shrugged. “I just went there for 2 days.”

That was when it dawned on me. If they’re this intimate, and in public for that matter, it’s possible that they’re actually together… that they’re actually in a relationship.

Then why the hell is he fucking around with me?

Vexed, I turned to Chris beside me. “I forgot to tell you. I think we’re landing another project soon.” I brought up the topic of the potential project with Park Land Inc. because I had nothing else to talk about to ease me from this suffocating atmosphere.

Chris raised his brows and smiled, and expansive one. “Really? That’s really nice. Who is it this time?”

Briefly, I side-glanced at Younghyun and I could feel his burning gaze on us.

How dare he look at us like that when he’s actually there sitting with his girlfriend right in front of me?

“Let’s go get a drink at the back,” I stood up, and without further ado, I marched steps away from them and went to the farthest back where a mini bar counter was at.

To be completely honest, I don’t have any plans of drinking. But I just wanted to get out of that circle so bad because if I didn’t, I might die from being deprived of air to breathe. Seeing them together just… annoys me. And it hurts. Both my eyes and heart.

But just when I was about to strike a conversation with Chris and distract myself, a group of businessmen were suddenly there together with Architect Wonpil, stealing Chris from me. I had no other choice but to silently go away. Alone, I decided to stand at the corner back where there was no one else but me. At this point, talking to a wall was a better choice than having to converse with guests.

Yet suddenly, I felt an arm snaking on my waist, and when I turned to look at who it was, I gasped.

It was Younghyun.

His forehead was slightly furrowed as he locked gazes with me. I took a deep breath, before trying to remove his hold on me, but he just wouldn’t let me.

“What are you doing?” I raised a brow, annoyed. We’re in a public place, for fuck’s sake. People can see us. What will they say when they spot us like this, especially the photographers? And Ruby? I don’t need a catfight here and I have no energy to spare for one, especially since I am totally aware of what I am and where I should stand.

“Why are you with that Christopher Bang again?”

What?

I raised a brow, annoyed. “What is it to you? Just go back to your girlfriend.”

His forehead creased even more, like my words were Greek and he understood none of them. “What are you going on about?”

“I said—”

“Younghyun? Man, is that you?” I flinched when I heard a man’s voice booming from a small distance, and I craned my neck to see who it was. Younghyun turned to the man’s direction with an annoyed expression, making the man raise both of his arms as though implying surrender.

“Whoa, chill! What’s happening? Why do you look like your business just went bankrupt?” he deadpanned, before marching steps towards us and knocking thrice on the bar counter that was made of wood. “Kidding, of course I don’t want that to happen.”

“What do you want, Jae?” Younghyun’s arm was still on my waist and I began to panic. I struggled to remove his grip, which I fortunately managed to do so as I felt his hold loosen.

Unfortunately, though, the tall man in gray suit seemed to catch what just happened, and all I could do was pretend that it was nothing. Jae, as Younghyun called him, smiled at me.

“Hi, I’m Jae. You are?” he offered his hand for a handshake. I thought it was rude to ignore him so I took his hand, earning a glare from Younghyun.

I nodded. “I’m Eris.”

“Younghyun’s…?” he drawled, like he was waiting for me to complete the sentence.

“She’s—”

“Younghyun’s friend.” I finished it for him, and Jae chuckled.

Younghyun sighed. “She’s one of the interior designers in Pearl Designs Seoul, and she was one of team that designed Seoulite Residences, I’m sure you know that project we launched two months ago since you bought a unit there.”

Jae’s mouth formed an ‘O’ and it took a good few seconds before he started nodding, and it was when I realized that he was still holding my hand because he started shaking it again.

“Amazing! I bought a bachelor’s type unit and man, the furniture and lightings were amazing. The recessed can lights below the wall of my room was fantastic, it illuminates the painting that was hung there… oh damn, I’m sorry I’m rambling I just sincerely liked how you guys designed it… ah, was it you, by any chance, who designed the actual unit I bought? I mean, if it sounds familiar to you then…”

I laughed at how cheerful and friendly Jae sounded. I know what exactly he was talking about. Nodding, I beamed him a smile. “Yeah. I was the one who designed the units for bachelors.”

“Cool!” he clapped his hand comically, like he was actually happy to meet the person who designed his unit. And somehow, it made me happy too, that someone was actually thrilled to meet me.

Younghyun doesn’t look amused, however.

“Do you think it’s fine if I hire you to design my house? I mean, is it okay with your company if you do freelance work?” Jae mused, and I nodded, before taking out a calling card from my clutch bag.

“Sure. Just contact me.”

Jae sure knows how to smoothen a conversation that I just found myself comfortably talking to him, until I felt an arm again on my waist. Younghyun pulled me close to him and I inhaled sharply at the sudden aggressiveness.

Jae snorted before shaking his head and giving Younghyun a weird look. He smiled at me again and winked, before finally excusing himself. “I’ll contact you soon.”

I nodded, looking forward to working with him. Jae seems like a good guy. Plus, he’s really good-looking. Younghyun hissed, bursting my happy bubble, so I turned to him, annoyed. I removed his hand on my waist and he sighed in defeat.

As if on cue, there came Ruby in her red long dress with plunging neckline.

“Younghyun,” she called, blatantly ignoring my presence. “Dad wants to talk to you.”

I hate myself for completely forgetting about her during the short time I was alone with Younghyun in this corner. Right. There’s Ruby, and the fight I lost to her even before it started.

Little by little, my heart broke in every second that passed that Younghyun was looking at me, because it felt like he was asking permission from me. Like I’m important enough to influence his decisions. Like if I told him not to go, he wouldn’t go anywhere.

And because of that, I offhandedly uttered the word “Go.”, earning a confused, but definitely unamused look from Ruby.

“I mean… I’m going now, sir.”

I didn’t wait for his response and just took my cue to leave them there. My heart pummelled my chest loud and hard and painful that being with them felt like dying.

I snatched a glass of champagne from a waiter and downed it in one go. Sana magically appeared beside me, like a fairy godmother I needed during desperate and low times. She was sipping on her glass and she almost choked when she saw me take another glass and downed it again like it was water and I haven’t drank anything for days.

“Eris! Don’t do that!” she chided, taking the empty glass from me.

From my spot, I can see Younghyun and Ruby talking to President Kim. I rolled my eyes and just sighed.

There were no waiters coming our way so I boldly went towards one just to get another glass of champagne. Sana sighed as she was a heartbeat late from stopping me from drinking again. I already finished the glass when she caught up to me and stood behind me.

“My gosh… you know, there’s a reason why they serve champagnes only on special occasions.” She rolled her eyes and I did too, feeling no energy left to argue with her.

“I’m fine.” I reassured her. From my peripheral vision, I saw Ruby laughing while linking her arm again with Younghyun’s.

I looked away. Sana crossed her arms and turns out, she was also looking at the direction I was gazing at earlier.

“Who does that witch with big boobs think she is to be so touchy with _your_ loverboy?”

I shot her a glare. “Shut up. I said I’m fine. Plus, you know what we are. No need to be sentimental over this.”

A few more drinks and the chandeliers were starting to turn into crystal ball pendants and spin in my world.

I guess I’m already tipsy. I felt a little dizzy so I decided to sit down first, when suddenly, my phone vibrated.

It was him.

_Loverboy:_

_Let’s go home._

What does this motherfucker want from me now? He can rot in hell with that witch Ruby with big boobs. For all I care.

_Me:_

_No, thanks. Chris is driving me home._

I let out a soft laugh when I caught him frown while looking intently at the screen of his phone. Ruby even asked her something, probably a _“What's the matter?”_ to which Younghyun shook his head to.

I was obviously lying. I haven’t even talked to Chris since we parted ways earlier, and I have no plans on asking him to drive me home. I came here with Sana. And Sana said she’ll just drive me home too.

My phone vibrated again.

_Loverboy:_

_Then tell that fucking Christopher Bang that I'm driving you home. Come out in 5. I’m not letting that bastard take you home._

A small smile etched on my face as I read his text. In the end, I can never really decline. I just sighed and bade Sana goodbye, told her I’m already leaving, making her whine like a kid since she will be left alone. My gaze followed Younghyun who was already walking his way out of the hall, and probably out of the hotel too. When I faced Sana, she was looking at Younghyun’s direction too with her usual stupid smile plastered across her face.

“Oh… that’s why. Enjoy the rest of the night, then!” she winked, and I rolled my eyes, before I trod towards the exit.

It wasn’t too difficult to spot Younghyun and his white Audi in the parking lot. He was leaning against his car, watching me with his dark eyes as I approached him slowly, feeling dizzy from all the champagne I drank.

“Why did you leave Ruby? Your girlfriend will be furious when she finds out you're fucking another girl.” I blunted the moment I stepped on the actual space in front of him, masking the bitterness in my voice with a laugh.

He was still standing in front of his car. Younghyun's brow twitched and his forehead puckered. “We're not in a relationship.”

I was dumbfounded by his blunt revelation, but nonetheless brought back almost immediately to reality from my reverie when I recalled how intimate she was with him earlier—all those clinging on his arm and leaning on his shoulder, what do those mean? What is she, then?

Another fuck buddy?

Younghyun opened the car door for me, but I remained glued on my spot. He sighed in annoyance. “Why are you with that Chris again?”

“He’s my friend. He’s a workmate. He works in the same company as I do. Of course it’s only normal to see us together.”

“I don’t like seeing you with him.”

I scoffed. “Did I ask?”

He sighed for the nth time, before gesturing the door he opened for me a while ago. “Okay. I’m sorry. Get in, please.”

God… his soft voice and gentle gaze left my heart in shambles.

I can never decline anything he asks me.

I gazed away, before entering his car. Younghyun turned around got inside the car too, looking straight ahead. There was a minute of silence first, he still hasn’t started the engine. I decided to be the one to break the ice.

“Is she your ex-girlfriend?”

Younghyun faced me and replied almost abruptly. “No.”

“What is she, then?”

A playful smile began to form on his lips. “What happened to _no personal questions_?”

I pursed my lips, feeling embarrassed of my attempt to pry personal information again from him. Younghyun sighed.

“She's not my ex-girlfriend.”

I rolled my eyes. “Yeah, you already said that. And I'm not asking a personal question anymore so you shouldn't be telling me.”

“Just a one-time fuck. And then she got clingy ever since.”

“Nobody asked.” I concealed my bothered heart with my cold response. Younghyun chuckled and just started the engine as suffocating silence wrapped us again.

I remained quiet the whole ride to my place. Younghyun didn't add anything else to what he told me earlier, and I guess that's the limit of what I can take.

A hand rested on top of my thigh, making its way to the high slit, softly caressing my bare skin under my dress.

That same hand… used to hold Ruby like this… touch Ruby like this.

He must have lost count already of the times and women he did it with, whereas I only had him. He’s my first, and since our arrangement doesn’t permit us to fuck with other people, I can’t make comparisons. Unlike Younghyun who has countless of experience already. Who knows, when we’re doing it, maybe he’s comparing me to another woman who does it better than me.

In the end, I just had a self-inflicted agony. Thanks to me.

And then we were already at the basement parking lot of the building I was residing at. Still, nobody was breaking the silence. My heart was swelling from pain, and my body was feeling feverish, and perhaps I could blame it to the alcohol but I just found myself reaching out for Younghyun and kissing him hot, slow, and torrid.

Younghyun hummed and made no protest as he helped me move and sit on top of him, and maybe it was a good choice that I wore a dress with this high slit because I could actually move more freely.

“Eris… baby…” he whispered. He reclined his seat, giving us more space as he lied down on his seat with his lips still attached on mine, his hands gingerly caressing my neck up to my jawline. We were taking things slow—Younghyun’s kisses were hot but languid, like we weren’t rushing anything and we have all the time in the world.

Then I stopped. Maybe I’m still blaming it all on the alcohol, but I guess that’s what they say about alcohol fuelling you with braveness and courage. I pulled away, only to wrap my arms on Younghyun in a tight hug, while feeling my heart ache so much inside my chest.

Younghyun called Ruby a one-time fuck. What does that make me, then?

Surprisingly, he returned the hug, pulling me closer to him. I sighed, then nuzzled his cheek fondly, my touch full of my heart and soul, and Younghyun leaned against it.

“You missed me, baby?” he asked, teasing.

_I always miss you._

But then the ugly thoughts just won’t dislodge themselves from my head.

A one-time fuck. So easy for him to dispose, just because she got clingy.

It's just like a confirmation. Once he finds out about my feelings, I'm good as trash. Hello dumpsite of women used by Kang Younghyun. No longer needed. The search for the next woman to be bedded by Kang Younghyun will commence.

Tears began to cascade, and I couldn’t stop them anymore. I was still wreathed in his arms, and it felt so warm I just don’t want to leave anymore. The feeling of security when I’m here like this with him… like no one will be able to come close and inflict pain on me because I am protected. I am secured. I am with Younghyun.

I hugged him tighter, burying my face on his neck. “Younghyun…”

“Hmm, baby?”

_I love you so much._

A sob escaped from my lips, and I felt him loosen his embrace.

“Baby… what’s wrong?” his voice was laced with concern, and I felt so bad for making him worry like this… if he’s actually worried.

I shook my head. “Nothing… I just… feel dizzy…”

It wasn’t totally a lie. I was still dizzy, but it’s not the reason behind my traitor tears.

His hand slowly caressed my back, and my heart ached even more. “Why are you crying?”

_Because I know I have to stop loving you but I don’t know how to._

“I’m really like this when I feel sick. I get emotional... And I’m probably having my period next week, so that means we can’t meet… that’s all…”

Younghyun did not answer. I pulled away, trying to wipe away the tears that stained my cheeks with my wrists, when Younghyun caught my hands. I gawked at him and he just stared back at me, before reaching for my face to softly brush my cheeks, drying my tears away. “If you’re not feeling well, you should’ve not gone to the party anymore. Do you want me to walk you to your unit?”

“I’m fine… I can go alone…”

And then there was silence.

My heart pounded inside my chest, making it hard for me to breathe as I continued to lock gazes with him. Younghyun’s glossy eyes felt like they were talking to me… promising me lies that I know I should not believe in… but the same words my heart only wants to hear.

Whenever I look at him like this, I am reminded of how deep the sea I’m drowning in is, and I don’t know how to swim. I know that I need rescue, but I don’t want to be saved. If it’s in him, I would love to drown. Even if I know it’s not the wisest thing to do. No, it’s not even a wise thing to do, to begin with. Falling in love with him would only cause me damage. But I’m still here… I’m here, and I’m drowning… and soon, it will all end. The sea will calm again, and I will no longer be there.

My love for him is like fire, and I am an ice. I love him, even though I will melt from the scorching heat. Like heaven and hell. The pacifying place my love for him promises, the paradise of heaven that I long to be in… but I know I am not welcome there. Because what we have stands in hell, and will never be up for heaven.

And then the fire of my love for him continued yet again to be fuelled by the alcohol I drank, and I felt so brave.

Slowly, I inched closer to Younghyun and kissed him slowly… gently… pouring my whole heart.

_I love him._

I love him so much, it fucking hurts to know I shouldn’t be loving him.

I love him so much that I want to believe that we can still work out, like a flower could blossom from a concrete floor.

I love him so much…

_But why does loving him have to be this painful?_

I moved away, hot drops of liquid starting to roll down my cheeks again, and Younghyun was looking straight into my eyes, but said nothing.

That was when I realized that I shouldn’t have done that.

I was too stupid to let my feelings get the best of me again.

Fear crept into my system, and I grew scared of what Younghyun will say. That kiss was so uncalled for. We weren’t even making out when I closed the gap between us… and it was only a soft kiss… and I’m scared that he’s caught on to it and he’ll point out about our unspoken rule.

I’m scared that the kiss translated into my feelings for him, and it’ll be over for us.

I looked away, before reaching for my bag from the passenger seat, and attempted to open the door and escape to just pretend that it was nothing and forget about what just happened, when suddenly, Younghyun pulled me back to his arms, wreathing me in a tight embrace, burying my face on his chest.

_“If you still feel dizzy… just… stay here…”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> twitter: @jaemibbeom  
> curiouscat: https://curiouscat.me/jamlovesjae
> 
> was playing The Rose's I.L.Y. on repeat while writing this.  
> aaaaaaaaaaaa ohmygod loverboy hahaha im sorry if it took a while lol  
> i just want to say that i love all of your comments and i am thankful for your feedbacks huhu :(((( pls talk to me huhu


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> twitter: @jaemibbeom  
> curiouscat: https://curiouscat.me/jamlovesjae

How long has it been?

_Loverboy:_

_Baby? I’m outside._

How long has it been since I sold my soul to the devil?

I stared at the screen of my phone, feeling the loud thumping inside my chest. It’s twenty three minutes after 12 in the midnight, and just as I began to flounder in loneliness, there came he again.

It’s been a whole month since that night. And even until now, I can still feel the fear that clawed at my body that time… and how he wrapped me with warmth through his embrace as though telling me not to be afraid.

But how can I not?

If that hug actually meant something… is this really worth risking for?

Midnight escapades with him has begun again, and I left the comfort of my bed for a while to welcome the ultimate source of comfort of my life.

“Hey,” he smiled, pausing for a moment before I nodded at him to let him enter my unit.

We don’t meet as often these days because work has been getting in the way, and it’s not a thing for me to complain about. Right from the start, we agreed to work on this arrangement in schedules that our personal lives don’t overlap. But even when we don’t meet during the day, the midnight meetings with him happen almost every other night.

And for some reason, it always ends up with us eating and drinking beer in the living room before we end things in the bedroom, and no one’s pointing out how frequent it’s been happening. Why, you ask? I don’t know.

Maybe it’s to get drunk and relieve the stress on exhausting days.

Or to satisfy our sexual needs.

Or to spend the rest of the nights lusting over each other.

Or to use it as an excuse for the cuddles at the end of the night; when it used to be and _should be_ the time one leaves the other, just like how fuck buddies should act because clearly, cuddles and fuck buddies shouldn’t even be in one sentence.

It’s not like I’ve been into a set-up like this before, but that doesn’t mean I am that innocent as to what should and shouldn’t happen in this kind of situation. Fuck buddies should separate their personal lives from the life and world they create on the bed, and maybe one can go play around with other people, and plans with him shouldn’t affect my personal life and decisions, but that’s not what Younghyun and I agreed to. I guess it just works differently for everyone. Maybe for the two of us, this is how it works and I shouldn’t be questioning it. Maybe everything that comes with this, even the cuddles, is normal in the context of “being different” from other fuck buddies. That’s why no matter how much I try, I can’t ignore the possibility that I’m hoping for nothing. That this is still nothing.

As soon as we settled on the couch, Younghyun pulled me closer to him. I looked at him, confused. But he just smiled, eyes still glued on the chicken on the table.

“Tonight, the beer is all mine.” he said, confusing me even more.

“What?” I moved away. “Why? What am I going to drink?”

“I don’t know. Milk?” I hit him lightly, feigning annoyance. Younghyun laughed and just scooted closer to me.

“You’ve been drinking a lot whenever I come here.”

“Then just stop coming over so I don’t have to drink.”

His smile disappeared almost immediately, forehead slightly creased. “If I don’t come here, you have to come over to my place.”

I took a can of beer and opened it skilfully like I was born to down alcohol and use it as a replacement for my blood, but before the can could even touch my lips, Younghyun snatched it from me and drank it instead, ending it with a loud _“ahhhh”_ like he was filming a commercial or something.

I frowned, and he frowned at me too.

“It’s mine.” He reminded me, and I sighed.

“Then what’s mine?” I queried, still upset by how I couldn’t drink the beer he brought.

The sides of Younghyun’s lips tugged into a small smile.

“Me.” He pulled me to him, before closing the distance between our lips. “I’m yours, Eris.”

 

_The booming sound of music somehow jived well with the teetering smoke, and the stench of sweat and alcohol inside the nightclub was bizarrely not suffocating tonight. I don’t frequent in places like this, and my alcohol tolerance is not even really high, but I don’t know any other way for me to unleash my frustrations in life and to forget how the universe loves fucking me up, even for a transient while._

_Right now, the world is spinning right in front of me. But that can’t stop me from dancing the night away. The alcohol was starting to kick in and I felt dizzy, but at least that’s keeping me from thinking about my ugly life. I reek of booze, I know. But so does everyone else here. People can see me struggling to keep my balance, but nobody cares about anyone here. The only thing that matters is that they are having fun._

_The dance floor was crowded, and a small part of me regrets wearing this halter top that Sana gave me as a gift last Christmas even if I’m wearing pants and not shorts or skirt, but a bigger part of me says it’s all fine, it’s just one night that I’ll be wearing this and soon the night will end too._

_But maybe that’s not absolutely true._

_Amidst the skin-to-skin contact with random strangers as I bumped into them while dancing, a pair of hands actually rested on my waist, making me flinch. But it’s not like I’ve never been into bars; this isn’t new to me so I just let it be. I continued dancing, and the warmth from the man behind me continued to envelope me. I turned around to face him, and I was almost instantly frozen on my spot when I saw the man clench his jaw, his dark and intense eyes staring straight into mine._

_There was something about him that I couldn’t resist and I just found myself drawn into him. Even amidst the spinning of my vision, I still took the chance to scan his features. A clean haircut. Eyebrows that were thick and knitted but nevertheless gorgeously shaped, defining his intense and provocative fox-like eyes. His nose was sharp and pointed, and his jawline was as though chiselled by the gods—perfect and alluring but when you touch it, it might cut you and you will bleed. His lips were red, and they look soft and inviting…_

_I felt dizzier as people around us continued dancing, until someone accidentally bumped me from behind and I fell on the man’s arms as he heroically caught me._

_I bit my lip when I grew more conscious of his hands on my waist. I looked away, feeling strangely hot as my gaze dropped on his broad shoulders. He was wearing a black button-down shirt, and from what my mind could form as an impression about him, I know for a fact that he’s not just another simple man._

_For all the times I’ve gone to bars and nightclubs, I’ve danced with different men. I have met celebrities and businessmen, even some of the most eligible bachelors in the country, but I’ve never met anyone like him._

_The air that surrounds him… it’s different._

_His grip on me tightened, and I was startled when he inched closer and I was able to take in his scent even amidst the smell of smoke and alcohol in the dance floor._

_“Do you wanna go somewhere else?” he whispered, and his baritone voice sent shivers to my spine._

_Right. Men who are this attractive are not the type to stay here and dance, they come here to look for someone who they can have a different kind of fun with. Hence, him asking me this._

_I took a deep breath. What am I supposed to do at times like this? Say no? Because I’ve never gone anywhere with a man I do not know. But is this really a time I should take into consideration my principles in life when the man right in front of me is the embodiment of the word temptation?_

_Glancing at my left, I saw two people making out in the middle of the dance floor. I inhaled sharply, the stench of the place entering my nose like some acrid smell, before I shifted my gaze back at the man whose hands were still on my waist. I opened my mouth to respond, but before a word could even roll off of my tongue, his lips were already attached to mine, drowning whatever I was about to utter in a searing kiss._

_Fuck… this doesn’t look like something that will go well._

_When he bit my lip and sucked it softly, that was when I lost it._

_If I was dizzy because of the alcohol earlier, now I’m dizzy because of him._

_I whimpered, because I was on the verge of giving in. I didn’t even realize I was actually responding to his kiss and I felt him smile against my lips. He pulled away and I was left to gasp for air because just as he did, he locked gazes again with me and it sucked the life out of me._

_“Let’s get out of here.” he muttered, and my body shivered in excitement from every word he uttered._

_My body was still pressed against his and then… I felt a bulge down there._

_He’s fucking turned on? Because hard same._

_I inhaled sharply when he pressed our lips again together. And the next thing I knew, we were already stripping each other’s clothes, hands quivering yet yearning for burning touches._

_And then everything faded into a blur._

_I opened my eyes, feeling a heavy arm on my stomach. At first, I ignored it and let my eyes wander across the room… which didn’t look familiar to me. Until my gaze shifted to the arm on top of me and to the man beside me who was lying naked, the lower half of his body covered by the comforter._

_My eyes rounded in horror when I realized the situation I was in. Fuck. Was I that drunk last night? How the hell did I end up sleeping with a complete stranger?_

_I looked at myself and almost cried on the spot when I realized I was naked under the sheets as well. When I tried to move, I shut my eyes close when I felt a sharp pain down there._

_Oh my god._

_Oh my freaking god._

_I fucking lost my virginity to a man I don’t even know._

_Just how bad does this universe want to fuck me up?_

_Calming myself, I took consecutive deep breaths. It’s fine, Eris. It’s normal these days, anyway. It’s not like you’re the first woman to lose her virginity to a stranger. You’re not special. Don’t be a drama queen and just think of a way to escape this room without waking up the man you just had a one-night-stand with._

_Right. It’s only a one-night-stand. You’re not the first one to do it. Calm down. Just make sure you’re not going to meet this man again._

_Somehow, I succeeded leaving the hotel room without waking him up—it was 4 in the morning when I left so I had ample time to prepare for work because fuck, how could I go drowning myself in alcohol knowing that I have work the next day?_

_Good thing I was used to concealing traces of horrible life events on my face with make-up. I managed to look decent enough to face the clients we will present our designs to today; Sana didn’t even ask me anymore about how I magically disappeared last night. She really thought I went home early because the place was boring me out._

_But then again, fuck. The universe hates me._

_“This is Mr. Kang Younghyun, CEO of Kang Properties Inc.,” our supervisor Jihyo introduced our client, and I just wanted to vanish into thin air._

_That man… Younghyun… fuck. The side of his lips tugged into a smirk when he looked my way and I pretended to find something inside my bag to hide the shaking of my hands as they grew colder in every second that passed._

_“Eris,” Jihyo called and I flinched. “You can start now.”_

_I mean, I was thankful for the opportunity because my designs were the ones approved, but right at this moment I wish they weren’t._

_I could feel Younghyun’s gaze boring holes into me the whole time, and I hate how I noticed the ends of his lips form into another smirk when I stuttered… because I fucking remembered something._

“Eris… calm down…”  _were the words he whispered to my ear last night because I was getting impatient, blame it on my drunken ass. How the hell did he even know my name? Did I tell him? I don’t fucking remember and it’s frustrating me!_

_When the presentation ended, the men he was with (I’m guessing they were stockholders from his company) were fortunately impressed with our plans and so was he, but it was weird how easily he said yes, he likes it, and how the men all believed his judgment so they closed the deal immediately._

 

_Friday nights were nights-out with Sana and I wanted to decline because suddenly I had a phobia of bars and nightclubs—let’s call it Younghyunphobia. Fear of meeting that man so attractive he might put the Greek gods in shame as he walk in… no, not really. That’s exaggeration. I should really forget about that guy already._

_But in the end, I still went with Sana. Because I don’t know… a part of me actually wanted to meet him again._

_And of course, I would meet him because that’s how the universe wants to play._

_I looked over his shoulder, and saw Sana talking to her friends she met with earlier. I was feeling out of place while they were conversing especially when they started talking about their families, so the only place I could go to in this stuffy place was the dance floor._

_Younghyun’s lips grazed my jawline when he inched close and I inhaled sharply when I felt his finger trace circles on my back._

_“Let’s go somewhere else?”_

_I gritted my teeth as I moved away from him. Fucking hell. He really does remember what happened between us that night._

_I turned my back at him and was about to walk away when he pulled me back to him. Taking a deep breath, I shot him a glare. “I’m sorry, Mr. Kang. But I am not interested in doing that with you again. That was a mistake. I was drunk. Like what people like you would call it, it’s just a one-night-stand. A one-time thing. So just go find someone else who’s willing to be screwed by you because that’s definitely not me.”_

_He smirked, and before I knew it, we were already breaths away from each other’s faces. “Really?”_

_Then he pressed his lips against mine, and that was the cue for me to swallow every single word I just spat._

_Dumb bitch… how could you… how could you wrap your arms on his neck and kiss him back?!_

_Younghyun smiled when I pulled away, surprised by my sudden aggressiveness._

_For the second fucking time, I found myself discarding his clothes to the floor of this luxurious hotel room. This time, I was only tipsy, not really drunk. I can’t blame it on the alcohol this time… so I blame it on how the lights at the club looked so exciting and sexual that they performed ballet throughout his eyes—his eyes that looked a thousand times more mesmerizing than the first time I locked gazes with him. Younghyun’s lips were soft but burning hot as they traced kisses all over my body, eliciting soft cries from my lips._

_His low grunts that drowned themselves when he pulled me again for another steamy kiss, tongue hotly pressed against mine, fueled the fire that was growing within me that even I was surprised how eager I was to reciprocate the pleasure he was offering me with every touch when I have never done this thing before with anyone before him._

_He pulled away, panting. I felt my cheeks burn in heat when I momentarily gazed down and realized that I was completely naked under him while his pants remained. Younghyun leaned in and slowly traced my jawline with his tongue, sending wild tremors to my nerves. “How could you leave me like that after a hot night, baby?”_

_Fuck._

_“It’s a one-night-stand,” I responded as he expertly flipped me over as he lied on his back, now I was on top of him._

_Fuck. Why the fuck am I doing this?_

_Younghyun’s hands were firm on my waist, and then slowly moved up towards my arms, before they playfully shifted to my breast. A soft moan rolled out of my mouth and it was too late when I realized it. Younghyun smirked, and I felt my throat dry. “Then what are you doing here with me? Two-nights-stand?”_

_He shifted on the huge bed and I was under him again._

_Damn… I almost forgot… this man right here is the embodiment of the word temptation._

_The lights were dim, but I could clearly see the beads of sweat on his forehead as they slowly dropped on my neck while I remained under him. Filthy sounds escaped from my mouth and they would have mortified me to death if only I wasn’t too engrossed in how fast he was moving, rocking me back and forth, making me feel things I never knew I was capable of feeling._

_Nakedness against nakedness. Younghyun pulled me closer to him as he struggled to catch his breath. I was too tired to even protest and just let him, our gazes now locked._

_The moonlight casted over his face, and I could clearly see how crude this man was with his sharp and perfectly defined features._

_“Two-nights-stand,” he repeated that dumb remark from earlier, a smirk starting to etch again on his face. “Let’s put it this way, Eris. You satisfy my fantasies and I satisfy yours.”_

_My forehead creased. “What?”_

_Seriously. What does this man think of me? A cheap woman? Why? Just because I lost my virginity to him—who I do not freaking know—does he think I am actually open to be someone he can use for his sexual needs?_

_He arched a brow before piercing me with his intense eyes. “I want you, Eris. And it’s obvious that you want me too. It’s easy, we can cater to each other’s sexual needs. I need you.”_

_I need you._

_His words rang in my head, and I stared at him, not knowing how to respond to those foreign words._

_When did someone ever actually need me?_

_His hair was tousled, almost looking like it’s inviting my hands to run through it and pull it, and then he slowly inched closer to press our lips together, his left arm supporting my body to lean closer to his while his free hand played with my bud down there, drawing out another moan from me._

_“It’s not that deep, Eris. It’s a simple arrangement, you don’t have to worry about anything.” he whispered, sporting a victorious smile, like he was sure that I was finally giving in… and that I was actually easy to sway._

_And he wasn’t wrong._

_It’s just a physical arrangement. It’s not too deep. After all, there’s nothing else to lose. As long as I stayed detached. While I’m here, I’ll just enjoy what will come with this affair. At least, for the first time, someone told me he needs me. I’m actually needed. Even if it’s all lust, well, it’s not like I don’t want him. It’s only sex. It’s not that deep. I’ll just get all the validation I can take from this._

_I’ll enjoy it first. I’ll just cry later and wallow in remorse when things go down the drain._

_The memories of the first time we did it, the lust was intense. He was intense, and so was I but I didn’t know anything so he guided me because I was just as thirsty as him. The third time, it happened in my place, and everything felt familiar, except for the thrill and excitement that flowed in my veins from all the touches and pleasure he was giving me while I try my best to reciprocate it. Midnight was the time we would actually meet, and then there came the rules._

_We would meet when time is flexible; no one should force it on the other._

_No personal questions._

_We’re not allowed to touch other people and play around while we’re in this set-up. In other words,_ _remain clean._

_Midnight escapades with him frequented, and it came to a point where the midnight was the only thing I looked forward to in a day._

_And as time passed, the yearning began. The time we spent in bed after sex has gotten longer, and what should have been the time for one to leave turned into unsolicited cuddles. Open mouthed kisses full of tongue and heat turned into slow, gentle ones. Until everything became familiar and comfortable. Like midnight with him was synonymous to going home after a long, tiring day._

_Why did I even think there was nothing to lose when I agreed to this?_

_My heart was at stake, right from the beginning._

_And it was too late when I realized, I have actually began losing the game I was so confidently playing._

 

 

Younghyun’s lips were still the same. Soft, red, and inviting. The slightest lick on them makes them shine and they would look even more tempting. As I responded to his kisses, Younghyun smiled, slowly caressing my back as he pulled away, before leaning in to peck on my lips softly, and consecutively.

 _“I’m yours, Eris.”_ His words rang in my head and my heart swelled. After we finished eating and he drank beer which was honestly not enough to get him drunk, we transferred to my bedroom.

“Really, now,” I giggled, heart pounding loudly inside my chest as I shifted on my bed, before reaching out to touch his soft hair, and he leaned against my touch.

Younghyun slid an arm under my head and pulled me closer to him, and then hugged me with his free arm. I whimpered at his warm touch and shifted until I was lying on top of him.

Really, now… why are we cuddling? We didn’t even do _it_ tonight.

Are we even supposed to cuddle?

Just as I was lying on top of his body, I looked at him, worried that he was feeling burdened by my weight. “Do you feel uncomfortable?”

It’s a simple question. But to me, there was an underlying one.

_Do you feel uncomfortable with me being on this level of intimacy with you?_

Younghyun smiled and wrapped his arms around me, securing my place on top of him. He hummed. “Hmm… so comfortable…”

I rested my head on his chest, feeling very comfortable being wreathed in his embrace like this.

There was silence between us, but it wasn’t awkward. If only I could, I would do anything to be able to snuggle him like this freely… and without fear.

“Do you want to go to Busan with me?” he blurted out randomly, making me look up at him. Younghyun held my back tight before ascending his hand to my head, ruffling my hair fondly.

“Why?” I reached for his hair too and he smiled when I did.

Ah. Younghyun really looks so soft like this… I just want to weep the whole night. How lucky am I to be graced with the chance to see him like this?

“My friend Dowoon…” he tightened his hug, still not minding that I was still lying on top of him instead of making me lie on my actual bed. “His birthday is on the 25th and he invited us to come and celebrate with him… it’s not a party, just a small scale celebration with his close friends…”

My brows creased. “Then why are you inviting me?”

He tilted his head a little. “I want you to be there with me.”

If it’s going to be a small celebration with his friends… does that mean…

“Is Jae going to be there?” I queried.

Isn’t Jae his friend? That one friendly guy I met during our company’s party? I was looking forward to working with him but honestly, he hasn’t really contacted me since that meeting with him.

Younghyun suddenly frowned, forehead furrowed. He pursed his lips. “Yeah.”

“Cool!” I giggled, before beaming him an obviously excited smile.

Younghyun didn’t smile back, though. He sighed. “We’re actually going to stay at his villa in Busan.”

I raised a brow. “So Jae is also staying in Busan?”

Younghyun's jaw clenched. “Why are you always asking about Jae?”

“Huh? Of course, he's the only one I know among your friends... it's good to have someone to talk to while you're talking to other people.”

Younghyun closed his eyes briefly before pinning and steadying his gaze at me. “I won't talk to anyone else without you.”

Not knowing how to respond, I just let silence answer for me in a comfortable sense. We stayed like that for a long while, until I drifted to sleep. When I woke up, he already left.

 

Work has been getting really busy. Just this morning, Sana told me about the supposed deal with Park Land not going to push through, because doing so will ruin the relationship between our company and Kang Properties that was built in good trust. So I guess that’s as far as I can go with the nice businessman I met during the party last month. Well, that’s better than “betraying” Younghyun’s company, though.

“Eris,” I lifted my gaze from my computer’s screen to Jinyoung who was standing in front of my cubicle. “You know Ruby, right? President Kim’s daughter?”

I nodded, befuddled. “Yes… what about her?”

“She’s inside President Kim’s office right now and she just asked for you to go there.”

What? She’s not even working here… so technically she’s not my boss, even if she’s literally the daughter of the owner of the company. She doesn’t hold authority against me. So why would I go there? And for what reason am I being summoned by that woman?

I was debating within my head whether to give her the satisfaction of making me obey such a shallow command or ignore her and live with the fact that she’s not my boss… but in the end, I still went. Whatever this is for, I have no idea. But I don’t want to drag this confusion longer.

I knocked first before opening the door. And there she was in her black tube dress, sitting idly on her father’s swivel’s chair. There was no one else but her inside, and as soon as she noticed me, she smiled at me, one that I strongly wanted to wipe off her face. “Come in.”

I closed the door and wordlessly strode towards her. Ruby told me to have a seat, and like a puppet, as much as I hate it, I did as I was told.

“Why did you call for me, ma’am?” I almost puked at how I addressed her. I really hate how I should address her like that even when I’m overflowing with annoyance with her. I hate how I should endure being inside the same room as her.

Ruby smiled. “Oh, I’m not here to talk to you as your boss’ daughter. So talk comfortably, young girl.”

_Young girl._

My ears perked at the way she addressed me. Young girl? Who does she think she is to call me that?

Ruby must’ve noticed the change in my expression at what she said and laughed softly. “Why? Aren’t you like… 24? You’re still young…”

I’m not dumb, and it’s not like I’m claiming to be someone old, but to call me _that_?

She arched a brow, now the smile on her face gone. “24… and Younghyun is 29. A 5-year gap? Hmm…” she smirked. “I’m not going to beat around the bush, Eris. I’m here to tell you to keep your distance from him.”

At the mention of Younghyun’s name, I felt my blood boil. “Oh. So this is what it’s all about?”

Ruby nodded nonchalantly, like she was deliberately ignoring the tension that was building up between us.

I took a deep breath, calming myself. This is going to be a worthless conversation. I have to get out of here now before I forget that she is my boss’ daughter.

I stood up, having no plans on entertaining her bullshit, but then her voice that was starting to annoy me reached my ears again when she said, “Aren’t you too young for him? If you just want a guy for an experience, go find another one. Just stay away from him. He’s not yours to play with.”

I know that I have to hold back because of who she was in this company, but in my life, she’s nothing. Who does she think she is to tell me all of these? First of all, I know that I am young, but I am not _too young_ for him. It’s not like Younghyun is 20 years older than me. Or I’m so young I could pass off as his daughter.

“Honestly, I never thought Younghyun would hit on someone like you? His type used to follow a pattern: mature, intelligent, and successful. Just like him. And well, a woman like me… which means, not you, young girl.”

I swallowed an imaginary lump as the last attempt to calm myself but it’s just not working.

Fine. Didn’t she say I should talk comfortably?

I smiled sarcastically. “Whatever it is between us, it has nothing to do with you. I hope you know when not to cross the line, Ruby.”

Ruby's expression grew dim. “Well, aren't you crossing your line now, young girl? After all, you're _just friends_. So it wouldn't hurt if you start distancing yourself from him now. Because you're just his friend. Or what… ah, a fuck buddy? Is that it?” she sneered. “That's all you are to him.”

I scoffed, “And what are you? A one-time fuck? Don't flatter yourself, Ruby. If anyone should distance herself from Younghyun, it's you.”

Silence wrapped us, and I was still not calming down. And so was she. Anger was evident on her face and even on her body as I glanced down and saw her close her fists. And even when we weren’t saying anything, I didn’t want to give her the satisfaction of me backing down so I stayed there, even if I wanted to get out of the room so bad.

Ruby took a deep breath before crossing her arms. “So I was right? You’re in the kind of set-up where you’re fucking each other but aren’t allowed to cross each other’s personal worlds?”

I kept silent; she was right.

“And too bad for you… all those pleasurable touches… the way his lips would attach on your lips and make you feel like you’re some kind of deity he worships made you fall… but in the end, it’s all just physical, and you don’t want to let him go because you’re hoping things would change… like a miracle would take place and suddenly, he loves you because, well, you’re dumb enough to fall for him? Do you know how pathetic you are right now?”

My throat burned in pain, and I could already feel the tears that were starting to dwell on my eyes.

Aren’t her words right?

I blinked, hoping for the tears to go away as I stood firm in front of her. I can’t let her insult me like this. I raised a brow. “Wow, you still remember the feeling, even when it's been years since he touched you? Weren’t you talking about yourself, Ruby? Because I’m sure as hell I don’t feel that way.”

This time, it was her who fell silent. I nodded, like I was fully aware of what was going on. “You're so pitiful. Holding on to a one-time thing for months… or what, years? Who do you think is more pathetic between us?"

“Shut up, you wench.” she growled, but I didn’t flinch. “Back off, young girl. I know that you are aware that a lowly woman like you doesn’t belong to our world. I’ve known Younghyun for a very long time, and I am sure as hell that Younghyun will never reciprocate your pathetic feelings because he’s only using you since weak girls like you who live off validation from other people are always the easiest targets.”

My eyes rounded in shock at her last sentence, and she just smiled sarcastically. “Surprised? Honestly, it’s hard to get your personal background because… aren’t you like that one unwanted child in your family who’s been hiding behind her brother’s shadows all her life?”

I closed my fists, fighting the urge to breakdown at the mention of my family…

“You should know that Younghyun is playful like that, darling. He likes playing like that. And sadly, you’re only one of his games. Younghyun is not the type to give a fuck about a woman he’s only playing with. He fucks and leaves. So before you hurt yourself more, you should stay away from him because when he grows tired of you, he will come back to me. He always comes back to me. Why do you think Younghyun still keeps in touch with me if I was only a one-time fuck for him?”

I couldn’t retort back. I couldn’t defend myself from the familiar remark. One that I have gotten used of hearing, but every time I hear, it still stings.

“You're not needed here.”

Before she could see my tears, I turned my back and stormed out of the room. I couldn’t wait until 5 and just took my bag to leave already. I can’t breakdown here. I can’t let them see me fall apart and know how pathetic I am.

I reached home and I let it all out. The pain. The disappointment. The frustration. Amidst my silent weeping, my phone vibrated.

_Loverboy:_

_Dinner?_

I clutched my chest, feeling the pain intensify. Slowly, and with vision blurry from all tears, I typed a reply.

_Me:_

_Busy._

A reply came in a few seconds after.

_Loverboy:_

_What do you want to eat? I'll have it delivered to your place._

Frustrated and broken, I angrily responded to his message.

_Me:_

_I said I'm busy. Stop texting me._

And then he replied again.

_Loverboy:_

_Okay. I'm sorry._

I didn’t respond to his text anymore. Ruby’s words kept on replaying in my head. I know… I know that Younghyun isn’t serious about me. I know that it’s all just lust. I know, and I let him use me to fulfill his needs. I know, and even if it hurts, I know… right from the start, someone like me doesn’t belong to his world. I don’t deserve him. And Ruby was right. I’m not needed. Younghyun doesn’t need me.

Because just like what my father said, after all, who would choose someone with a lot of factory defects like me?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> twitter: @jaemibbeom  
> curiouscat: https://curiouscat.me/jamlovesjae
> 
> whenever i read ur thoughts about what's happening in the fic, i swear. my heart swells.  
> ahhh, I'd like to thank all of you for supporting this fic. I love all of your feedbacks huhuhu :(((  
> your comments fuel me to continue this hahaha thank you <33


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> twitter: @jaemibbeom  
> curiouscat: https://curiouscat.me/jamlovesjae

Amidst the sea of unfamiliar faces, my heart raced at the mere idea of being inside the banquet hall along with all these people. Tonight, we’re attending the birthday party of my dad’s superior as a family.

_Tonight, I belong to the family._

It doesn’t matter what the reason I am here for is—if it’s because of the fact that I am my dad’s daughter, or because we have to show a picture of a loving, and complete family to everyone—as long as I am here. As long as I get to spend time with them as they acknowledge my existence… even for a transient while. Even only until this party ends.

I’ve engaged in conversations with people I barely know ever since arriving at the venue, most of them being important people in the government that are friends with Chief Superintendent General Baek, my dad’s superior, whose birthday is being celebrated tonight.

“I work as an interior designer in Pearl Designs Seoul,” I offered a friendly smile to Mr. Kim, one of the businessmen attending the party who surprisingly knows my dad, feeling a sense of pride when I was asked if I was Superintendent General Choi’s daughter—to which I happily responded with a _‘Yes’_ , and even more proud to be queried about my career. To me, it equates to being credited for my efforts—that one aspect in my life people always fall short on.

The small talk with Mr. Kim ended and not even a minute after, I already found myself speaking to a police officer my father works with. Conversing with people here was fine and I honestly don’t have any problem with it, until, of course, my father stepped into the conversation I was having.

And just like that, my happy bubble burst.

“Is she your child that you were talking about? The doctor?” with all smiles, the man I was talking to asked my dad.

Dad’s brows creased a little before uttering the right answer to the question, “No.” he pointed to the far front of the hall where I could see my brother talking to a lady in silver dress. “He’s there. Do you want to meet my son?” before the man could even think about it, my dad smiled and gestured for the man to follow him. “Let’s go and talk to him. My son is an amazing doctor.”

I let out a soft laugh a few moments later, as I stood at the farthest corner of the place watching the whole scene right in front of me, silently asking myself why I’m alone in the middle of all these people.

And just like that too, I was reduced once more to a speck of dust everyone dusts off.

As I heaved a deep sigh, my phone vibrated.

_Loverboy:_

_Where are you?_

If the weight in my chest was heavy earlier, it became even heavier as I felt my heart sink while reading _his_ text, wondering where the butterflies in my stomach went, because they’re no longer there. I used to feel all giddy whenever I would receive a message from him, but right now, ironically, my heart ached.

I couldn’t believe it either. That I could endure not talking to him for almost a month. That I could survive a month without his kisses when all this time I felt like the sole purpose of my life was to press my lips against his. That I could forbear not to have my skin erupt from goosebumps from his touches… or scream from the pleasure he brings to me. More than my body, my heart yearned for him so much… but somehow, I still managed to ignore him for this long.

A sharp inhale.

Slowly, and with shaky hands from all vehement emotions that have been reeling within me tonight, I finally typed a reply. It was only a short text: the name of the hotel I was in, and that I was at the banquet hall. Like I was on autopilot, and I was programmed to reply with the exact location when asked.

I felt like it’s been ages since we last talked, and the mere thought of it breaks my heart because I knew that this day would come.

No matter how hard I try to deny him, no matter how many times I attempt to save myself from the pain I am bound to feel because of him, in the end, I would always give in to him. Without a doubt, I will always give in to him.

With Younghyun, I learned the feeling of finally being appreciated. The attention I’ve always wanted to receive, I got it from him. The affection I yearned for, he offered it to me to and I was so quick on accepting it because all my life, I was deprived of the same thing. And because of that, I’ve grown too dependent on him. Because Younghyun stood as the sole figure to actually shower me with everything I felt like I always had to fight for all my life.

But maybe even him, I have to let go too.

Ever since I chose to drown in the fantasies of having him reciprocate my feelings, I’ve painted colors on everything he did. Yet deep down, there lies the truth I’ve been denying to acknowledge.

What we have is something that Younghyun doesn’t take seriously, and it’s something that he will never take seriously. I’ve pondered nonstop over permanently cutting him off my life before he throws me away like a toy he’s grown tired of playing with. What he feels for me isn’t the same as what I feel for him. For all I know, he could just be pitying me all this time, which explains why this affair has been dragged on for this long. And that’s all that it is.

But then, there it came.

A beat of silence in an otherwise loud room.

My lips began trembling at the sight of the familiar man taking long strides towards me, his gaze not failing to send wild tremors to my nerves and cause my heart to pound painfully.

Just like that, the walls I’ve built around my heart broke down.

Younghyun, wearing his black long sleeves and overflowing confidence, suddenly slowed down as he approached nearer, and then all of a sudden, the butterflies were fluttering inside my stomach again and I felt like running away to throw my heart up from all jitters that exploded in my body.

Calm down, Eris.

“CEO Kang! You’re here too!” a woman a few meters away from me, but only feet away from Younghyun as he passed by her, called him, and I hoped that he would stop for a short chat, and I would use that to escape despite feeling my feet glued on the ground and frozen on my spot from his menacing glare.

For a moment though, I thought he would really stop when he glanced at the people who recognized him, but he only nodded at them to acknowledge their presence, before treading again towards me.

As Younghyun stood gloriously before me, I swallowed painfully an imaginary lump in my throat, our gazes now locked; and I felt like choking as I struggled to breathe when his expression softened. He raised his hand to reach out for me and I unconsciously flinched, suddenly scared that I would burn from his touch.

Younghyun heaved a sigh and I was thankful that I happened to stand at the farthest back part of the hall before he arrived because only a few people were surrounding us from my spot.

“Eris…” his voice was hoarse, and it sounded like it took all of his strength to utter my name, whereas I felt like I was drained of energy to hear my name roll off of his tongue.

Fortunately, I managed to come back to my senses before it was too late. I averted my gaze and thought of the possible routes for a safe exit, but before I could even take a baby step away from him, he spoke again. “Stop avoiding me…”

Damn… Damn it. My heart pounded loudly and I had to close my eyes for a moment to muster up a little strength before meeting his stare once more, and I silently prayed that he wouldn’t sense my legs turning into jelly as I felt them wobble while I keep this façade of a strong, independent woman that I know I would never be when it’s him that is in front of me.

Because one way or another, Kang Younghyun would always drive me wild and crazy.

“Why are you here?” I almost applauded myself for not breaking down right there and then, and then I realized where we were. Well, of course, he could be invited too, for all I know. So my question now sounded so dumb to me and to save face, all I could do was to add, “Leave me alone.”

“You were ignoring me for a whole month, Eris.”

I arched a brow at him. “I don’t remember ever being obliged to talk to you even when I am busy. I have work, Younghyun. I was busy.”

“Really? Was that why you never opened your unit’s door for me every time I go there?” his forehead puckered and so did mine.

The audacity of this man to say that.

I waited patiently for him while he was away and enjoying his life in Europe. I wasn’t even enjoying the whole month I’ve been avoiding him! Who gave him the fucking right to use this card against me?

“Oh so you can ignore me for a long time and I can’t? Why? Were you that thirsty the whole time I was denying you? Did you feel so sex-deprived, Younghyun?” I scoffed, trying to mask the pain that was beginning to build within me with an offended expression. “You should have just gone to another woman. Or I don’t know, you have your hands. Or if you don’t want that, maybe we should just end this.”

Younghyun’s forehead creased even more, his neatly shaped brows knitted as he looked at me like I just spoke in a language he couldn’t comprehend. “What the hell are you going on about?”

I felt pairs of eyes fixating on us and it vexed me. Taking a deep breath, I beamed him a fake smile and calmed myself down, my voice now hushed. “I’m sorry CEO Kang, but if I remember it correctly, we should only meet when time is flexible, and no one should force it to the other. Unless I’m suddenly in a different arrangement now?”

My words were dripping with sarcasm and it doesn’t take a genius to notice that.

Younghyun nodded and it annoyed me even more. “If I remember it right too, we should tell the other when we are not free. But you never told me. You just deliberately ignored me. You could have at least told me that you were busy so I wouldn’t waste my time worrying about how you were.”

And abruptly, the annoyance I was feeling turned into a stinging sensation that was creeping in my system. It’s utter difficult to stay strong and keep a stoic expression when all I want is to fall apart in front of him and show him just how bad it has been for me the whole time I was without him. But I am totally aware that I still have to come off strong, and I can’t be vulnerable in front of him. Not when he’s the root of my vulnerability.

“And if I remember it correctly as well, we are just fuck buddies. You shouldn’t be worrying about me, Younghyun. Don’t be too sentimental.”

_We are just fuck buddies._

_Don’t be too sentimental._

Fuck that. I’m the one that is always too sentimental. And I hate it so much whenever I have to brand our affair as what it actually is. We are only fuck buddies. I know about the limits I’ve been wanting to forget whenever I let my feelings get the best of me.

My throat tightened in pain again when I saw how Younghyun’s face changed at what I said, and for a brief moment, I think I saw pain flicker on his eyes.

I don’t want that look on him. My heart hurts so much and all I really want right now is to have him enclose me within his arms in a tight embrace. But I’m scared. I am so scared.

But there it was again.

The comfort.

The warmth.

The solace that Younghyun wraps me in.

Slowly, Younghyun reached out for my hand.

“I’m sorry… if I did something that made you angry, I’m sorry…” a light squeeze on my hand and the painful thumping inside my chest intensified. “Don’t be mad at me anymore, baby, please?”

My eyes began welling tears and I had to turn my back at him as I placated myself, feeling my heart being stabbed by trenchant swords that were his words.

_Damn it, Younghyun._

_I always give in to you._

I know. It’s stupid. Like a mantra, I always chant inside my head how I should just leave him before he leaves me… before he shatters me even worse… before he ruins me beyond repair. But every time we touch, it dawns on me how I can’t live without this… without him. My catharsis in this chaotic world. The only person who actually made me feel like I was needed… like I had a purpose…

With a heavy heart, I removed his grip on my hand and took another deep, painful breath, before walking my way towards my parents who were happily chatting with each other with glasses of wine on their hands, minus the presence of my amazing brother.

“Mom… Dad…” I smiled, dismissing the fact that they weren’t doing the same. “I’m going home now. I still have work tomorrow so I need to leave early tonight.”

My mother gave me a confused look, probably wondering why I meant leaving ‘early’ as _this early._ It’s only 8 in the evening. The night was still young, but I don’t think I can still afford another heartbreak right now and I guess the safest way to survive is to leave them all here.

Before they could respond, a familiar man approached us.

It was my father’s superior, Chief Superintendent General Baek. He was with a younger woman that I assume was his daughter.

We greeted him a good evening and of course, a happy birthday. He returned the greeting together with a _‘Thank you for coming’_ , but then the sentence had a long tail of “CEO Kang! I thought you can’t come to the party?”

Baffled, my brows furrowed, but then suddenly Younghyun was standing beside me.

Oh shit… why is he still following me?

I gazed up at Younghyun and he was smiling at Chief Baek. “Change of plans, sir.”

He shifted his gaze to my parents and greeted them too, introducing himself. He greeted even the woman that was with Chief Baek and it made me realize that indeed, Younghyun is all visuals, manners, and knowledge in one.

I fidgeted with my fingers as I listened to them converse right in front of me and I pretended that I was an invisible wall that they do not need to pay attention to because they can’t see me. It’s always like this when I’m with my family. I’m invisible. I should be invisible. And I am mute too. I shouldn’t say anything because all words that escape my mouth are unsolicited and no one really needs my opinion, anyway.

Chief Baek laughed, patting Younghyun’s shoulder lightly. “Right. I invested in your recent development. My daughter Ayeon here told me about it and honestly, the units in that apartment are great! The location is good too, the amenities actually make an active lifestyle for us possible.”

Younghyun nodded, acknowledging Chief Baek’s feedback before turning to me, “This woman is actually one of the amazing interior designers for that project, sir.”

My breath hitched when suddenly, their eyes were all on me—even my parents’. I cleared my throat before blurting out an awkward laugh and nodding, not trusting my voice to speak. But more than that, my heart swelled at the thought that Younghyun included me in their conversation… and he sounded so proud of me. Suddenly, I felt like crying again. But no, Eris. Not here. Not now.

An amused expression painted on Chief Baek’s face as he turned to my father. “Wow! You’re so blessed to have a daughter who is also a wonderful interior designer!”

Dad raised his brows and etched a small smile, before brushing it off. “She’s fine.”

I pursed my lips at his response.

Two words, and they still managed to break my heart.

He doesn’t really have to respond to Chief Baek, though. Deep down, I know that he doesn’t even acknowledge me as _fine._ Funny how Younghyun and Chief Baek appeared to be more interested. But then again, I’m used to this.

“Ah, right, your son is a lawyer, right?” of course, my father was quick at diverting the topic. Chief Baek nodded and suddenly I was thrown again into exile.

“Our son is a doctor and I’ve heard that your son is also from SNU?” another query from my dad, and suddenly, even when I’m the one that’s here, the topic revolved around Minho again. Abashed, I subtly gazed at Younghyun and he doesn’t look so pleased at what was happening before him.

“Really? Our children are all from the same university. Actually, my daughter Ayeon is from SNU too, she’s classmates with CEO Kang back in college.”

My ears perked at what I heard. I didn’t even know that Younghyun and my brother went to the same university.

Ayeon, Chief Baek’s daughter, enthusiastically went on about her college days with Younghyun and all I could do was to stare at the floor as I listened because if I speak, I would only breathe awkward air and I know that I shouldn’t do that. I felt so out of place… more like I was forcefully being dragged out of the place. Like the topic was purposely brought up so I couldn’t join them in the conversation.

My unit was near this hotel and I was already itching to go home. It doesn’t matter if I didn’t bring my car with me and I have to leave without my family. They’re staying in this hotel tonight, anyway.

Slowly, I retreated. I didn’t bother telling them I’m already leaving. One way or another, I wouldn’t be getting a good response so might as well just exit in silence. My steps were sluggish and it felt like gravity was yanking my feet as I distanced myself from them, and suddenly I felt a hand on my arm, making me cease my aimless strides.

“Let’s eat first?” it was Younghyun, smiling at me.

_Younghyun, can you please just wrap your arms around me so I could let out my anguished cries safely and without fear?_

No matter how much I protest and remind myself not to entertain him anymore, my traitor heart would always fail me.

I let myself be with Younghyun again after what it felt like decades and silently, my heart was leaping in joy. Even when I broke my heart at what happened earlier, my heart was celebrating because in the end, I was with him.

Yet suddenly, a few minutes later, my father was unexpectedly standing before me and he uttered the words I never would have imagined he would be ever telling me.

“Eris. Let’s talk.”

I glanced at Younghyun and he just nodded at me, as if telling me I shouldn’t worry about him and I can go and talk to my father. I gladly complied and followed my father, and surprisingly, my mother was there too. Soon enough, I found myself with them inside the hotel room they would be staying at for the night.

Nobody was blunting a topic. I wanted to break the ice, maybe inquire about what we would be talking about, but I was too scared to do so. My hands grew colder by each second, until my father decided to finally speak.

“Chief Baek is running for the congress.” He said, face as stern as ever.

I nodded, befuddled by the random trivia but still eager to listen.

“That’s… nice. I hope he wins.” was all I could say, still feeling disoriented as to why he’s suddenly telling me about Chief Baek’s plans on running for the upcoming election.

“I need to be on his good side as I wait for my promotion.” he added and I pursed my lips as I continued listening. “That CEO Kang… you’re friends with him, right? Chief Baek’s daughter likes that man. Can you help her? Who knows, you can be friends with that girl too.”

A deafening silence wrapped all of us. Even if I couldn’t see my reflection, I know that I grew pale. I couldn’t believe what I just heard.

I can’t believe my father is asking me to help his superior’s daughter about Younghyun.

_To help her get the man I love with my whole heart._

“Dad…” my voice was faltering. My hands were quivering as I looked at my father, heart pounding loudly inside my chest.

I’m scared. This is the first time that my father is asking me to do something for him… something he thinks I can actually do…

“S-She can just tell Younghyun about it, dad. I have no power over things like that… He has his own mind and he’s the one who makes decisions for himself… I can’t… tell him to like her back…” I subtly argued, heart quietly mourning over the thought that this conversation is going to lead me to losing Younghyun… completely…

My father’s forehead creased and I could already feel the tears that were pooling in my eyes. “This is the only thing I’m asking from you and you can’t even give it to me?”

I fell silent. God knows. God knows how long I waited for this moment to come. That my father would come to me and ask me for something he acknowledges that I can do. That my father will finally realize that I can also do something for him and I can make him proud.

But please… just not this…

Just not about Younghyun…

“Don’t tell me you’re in love with that man?”

My lack of answer earned a scoff from him.

“Eris, you can’t be both stupid and naïve. He’s one of those heartless businessmen and he won’t take you seriously, if that’s what you’re thinking that’s why you’re holding yourself back from actually helping your father. That’s the kind of man that he is. So stop fantasizing about getting him all for yourself because he is not the man that is right for you.”

I couldn’t take the slander they’re doing to Younghyun anymore so I decided to refute his words. “He's not like that. You don't know him.” I argued, and it was a cue for my hot tears to fall.

“And you think you know him that much for you to defend him?”

My mother sighed and reached for my hand before squeezing it gently. “Eris, we just don’t want you to get hurt. If you could do that small favor, it would benefit not only your dad, but also you. We don’t care if that Ayeon gets hurt as long as it’s not you… as long as we can protect you from getting hurt because of that man.”

And that was the last straw.

“You don't want me to get hurt? What do you know about me getting hurt?”

My mother was taken aback by my response. I laughed bitterly, feeling my heart swell in so much pain. I’ve held it in for so long, but perhaps it’s time to finally unmute myself and speak about the agony I’ve suffered from all these years.

“I’ve been hurting all my life. And now you want me to stay away from him because you don’t want me to get hurt… because of him?” I let out a wry laugh. “When I received much more affection from him than I ever did from you?”

My shoulders started moving up and down as I struggled to breathe properly, eyes pooling with boundless tears, and they remained silent, breaking me even more.

All the pain… they’re resurfacing again…

“All my life… I grew up thinking, my life is so different from my brother… that there are two types of people, the lucky ones and unlucky ones and I was the latter because I was never the child you could be proud of and that made you unlucky too… your treatment to him and to me were different on so many levels, but I never complained… because I thought… I thought…” my voice broke and I began caterwauling as I felt the pain intensify in my chest and I was about to explode. “…maybe I’m actually lacking… and it’s my fault for turning out like this…”

I wiped my tears but to no avail, they were just replaced by new ones, and the shaking of my extremities worsened.

“You never knew about my struggles while growing up because you were never interested in what’s happening to me so I had to keep them all to myself… You never even knew I was bullied when I was younger because I was too scared to tell you… too scared to see your disappointed faces again because unlike Minho, all I give you are problems.”

Tears began to roll down my mother’s face too, and it broke my heart so much and I hated how even right now, they’re still breaking my heart like this.

“Eris, don’t be selfish—”

“And now I’m selfish?” I laughed wryly and shook my head in utter disappointment.

“You know it, mom, dad… You know that I would always do anything for the both of you… because all my life that’s what I always do.” I bit my lip before taking a deep breath. “You’re asking me if I love him? Yes! I love him. I love him, and what is it to you? What’s so wrong with wanting to be with the man I love? What’s so wrong with declining to help you if doing so will make me lose him?”

I balled my fists, the word _selfish_ still ringing so loud in my head. “You just want children as trophies. I didn’t become a lawyer like what you wanted me to be, and that mortified you to be my parents. Because you couldn’t brag about me, you didn’t love me. You never appreciated me.”

I closed my eyes before giving them one last glance before leaving.

“I will be successful without you. In my field of profession, not as a lawyer like what you all wanted me to be. And I’m not going to leave him. If I get hurt because of him, it’s no longer your business. Because I don’t think he can break me even more than I already am because you’ve already broken me repeatedly all my life.”

I didn’t even know how, but suddenly I was out of the building. I managed to storm out of the place with vision blurry from tears and heart that was shattering into millions of irreversible pieces. Breaking yet again, because I know that even after everything that happened… it’s just good riddance for them.

Just before I could pass by the parking lot, a hand grabbed my arm, making me stop and flinch on the spot.

“Where are you going?”

It was Younghyun. His face was painted with worry and I ducked my head to hide my face from him. I shook my head.

“I’m leaving.” I attempted to run away but he just pulled me back to him, much to my chagrin.

“I'll drive you home.”

“You can stay if you want. I know you know a lot of people there…”

My voice was hoarse and I am aware that I am not in the best condition to converse with him right now and I hope he would just let me go now before I fall apart again in front of him.

Younghyun shook his head. “If you want to go home, then we will go home.”

“I’m tired, Younghyun. I just want to rest. I can’t do it with you tonight if that’s what you want from me.”

“I said I'll drive you home. I didn't say we'll do something else.”

Younghyun’s hand slid down from my arm to my hand, and just like that, his small gesture enveloped me with so much warmth. Warmth that only he can give me. In the end, I nodded in defeat, feeling no more energy to spare to argue with him.

 

Why can’t we choose our families at birth?

The ride home was silent. I glanced at Younghyun who looked like he was deep in his thoughts, just like how despondent thoughts dwelled inside my head again. And then all I could think about was how, for the first time in my life, my father asked me for a favor which I strongly declined.

Because I can’t lose this man right here.

Not like that…

I can’t lose Younghyun like that.

As soon as I entered my unit, wordlessly, I went straight to take a long, hot shower, anticipating another breakdown somewhere he couldn’t see me. But it didn’t happen. I just… felt empty. As though I wasn’t already feeling empty before. Tonight, it felt like the hole grew bigger and as I stepped out of the bathroom, I thought about how the only one who could fill the hole in my chest has already left my place, but I was wrong.

Younghyun was standing beside the door of my bedroom with his arms crossed, and I let myself look at him longer, take in the sight of him gazing at me intently, before I shifted my gaze and turned my back to dry my hair quickly and try to sleep afterwards.

The lights in my room were already out. As I let myself lie on the comfort of my bed, I sighed inwardly at the sight of him looking at me. I bit my lower lip, eyes not leaving him. “Just lock the door when you leave.”

But then Younghyun started taking off his shoes… and then his socks. A sigh escaped from his lips as he fixated his gaze on me.

“How can I leave when you look so lonely like this?”

Languidly, he marched steps towards me and lied on the cold space of my bed beside me. Nobody was uttering a word, only our eyes spoke thousands of unsaid feelings, and suddenly, my heart ached again.

_‘Younghyun will never reciprocate your pathetic feelings because he’s only using you since weak girls like you who live off validation from other people are always the easiest targets.’_

_‘Younghyun is playful like that, darling. He likes playing like that. And sadly, you’re only one of his games. Younghyun is not the type to give a fuck about a woman he’s only playing with. He fucks and leaves. So before you hurt yourself, more, you should stay away from him because when he grows tired of you, he will come back to me. He always comes back to me. Why do you think Younghyun still keeps in touch with me if I was only a one-time fuck for him?’_

I felt my lips tremble as his breath fanned over my face. After what felt like years, we’re finally breaths away again like this… Younghyun is so close to me like this…

I basically just turned away from my family and Younghyun is all I have now. And if I lose him too… I’ll be left with nothing…

I was brought back from my reverie when I felt his thumb gently brush the apple of my cheeks, wiping the tears that I didn’t even notice that were falling again. His gaze was soft and I blinked away the tear that was blurring my vision, and he wiped the stray tear too.

“Why are you always crying whenever I'm holding you close like this?” Younghyun whispered.

I didn’t know what to say as a response. I can’t tell him about Ruby… and everything that’s bothering me. I can’t tell him about them.

A few moments more of comfortable silence, and wordlessly, Younghyun closed his eyes and leaned in to place a soft kiss on my lips. We let it linger for a while. Our lips weren’t moving, but my heart felt so full with just feeling them pressed against mine. Our lips were only touching, but I could feel my heart being wrapped yet again in so much warmth. It was chaste. Not teasing. Not demanding. It was soft and comforting in ways that words would never be. And as soon as he pulled away to look at me, I inched closer to him and kissed him again.

Younghyun chuckled, then began playing with my hair. “Oh... Did my baby miss me?”

I nodded, vision still blurry from tears. “Yes...”

“A lot?” he asked in a playful tone, to which I nodded again.

“A lot...”

He shifted slowly, before stretching his arms wider as though gesturing me to snuggle even closer. “Then hug me... please, baby?”

A sob escaped from my lips before I snuggled close to him and hugged him so tight… afraid that he will slip away from me and I will be left with nothing. I buried my face on the crook of his neck and I felt a little brave.

For the first time, I had courage to put the scary words into existence.

“I missed you, Younghyun…”

Younghyun hummed. I felt him kiss the top of my head, holding me even tighter, as if he was also scared that I’ll slip away if he loosens his embrace. “I missed you too, baby… so much…”

_He missed me…_

I closed my eyes and just let the tears flow silently. I love him. God, I love him so much. I can’t begin to visualize how I would be without him. I can’t imagine how I would be without nights like this with him.

I let myself be at ease from the catharsis brought upon by his presence alone. That’s the kind of relief he gives to me. And even if Ruby’s words were still ringing at the back of my head, I let it drown into white noise and just listened to the loud pounding of my heart. Because when Younghyun holds me like this, it ignites the fire of hope in my heart and everything else fades into a blur, and I can only see him.

Younghyun slowly shifted, and I watched him fish his phone from his pocket and dial someone’s number. He glanced down at me and I was greeted by his beautiful smile… my most favorite smile in the whole world… like he was telling me I have nothing to worry about because he’s here with me, and he’ll always be here with me.

“Cancel all my meetings tomorrow. I can’t come to work...” he told the person on the other line of the call and he paused for a moment, listening to what the person was saying. “I don’t know when I’ll be back. Just pass the reports to dad. Cancel everything.”

I pouted as I looked at him. He ended the call and glanced down at me, then beamed me a sweet, endearing smile, before pecking my lips again. “Don’t think about things too much.”

Heat crept on my face and I felt my cheeks flare into crimson. I inhaled sharply and averted my gaze, before letting out a soft laugh. “Now you know how ugly my personal life is. I guess I can’t tell you not to ask personal questions anymore.”

Younghyun’s lips formed a thin line, his forehead slightly furrowed. “Let’s just… forget about that rule. Let’s pretend that never existed.”

I looked at him, dumbfounded. Younghyun sighed before the ends of his lips tugged into a small smile. “You can ask me personal questions, Eris. I never really minded having you ask me anything.”

No words came out of my mouth, and honestly, I don’t even know what to make out of any word as a response. I just… I don’t know. My heart swelled in joy because it felt like I removed a layer of the invisible barrier between us, and slowly, I was finally penetrating his world.

“We’re leaving for Busan on Saturday noon.” he said, to which I nodded.

For the first time in my life, I realized how comfortable sleeping on my bed actually felt like.

Gently, Younghyun shifted until our noses were touching. He planted delicate kisses again on my lips… then on the tip of my nose… and then on my forehead, before pulling me unbelievably closer to him as we closed our eyes to prepare to drift into sleep.

_What are we, Younghyun?_

_What have we become?_

_I know that you don't love me... but why are you doing this to me?_

There will always be things that I will never understand. Like how my parents made me grow up feeling like I had to compete for their attention. Like how people tell me I deserve more than what I think I'm limited to receive.

Like what Younghyun and I have right now.

I know that there's still what Ruby told me—that he's just toying around with me. And that he's never been serious about a woman, and I am not anything special. But even so, my heart still wants him. Every time he seems to reciprocate my feelings, I want him even more. Even if we're just like this. Even if he doesn't love me back. As long as I have him, and he lets me pour my whole heart to him without calling me out for it. I'm used to this. I've grown up in this kind of set-up.

If there is anything I am sure of, it is that I will always love him, and he will never love me. From square one, he's always been out of my league. All I can do is to wish that if I ask him if he loves me, he would be lenient enough to my hopeful heart and lie to me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> twitter: @jaemibbeom  
> curiouscat: https://curiouscat.me/jamlovesjae
> 
> ashdjfhjd talk to me hahaha thanks for leaving comments on this fic!! <3333 i love ur comments huhu


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> twitter: @jaemibbeom  
> curiouscat: https://curiouscat.me/jamlovesjae

“Does your head still hurt?” I gazed up at Younghyun who was guiding me down the airstair of his private jet, looking at me with eyes painted with worry and voice laced with concern.

It was already Saturday afternoon, and we just landed in Busan. Three of his bodyguards were walking in front of us. I took another glance at Younghyun as we finally stepped on the ground and I tried to discern just how simply he dressed yet how sexy he looked like.

Younghyun was only wearing a white fitted shirt, perfectly hugging his well-built torso, and tan khaki shorts. He is definitely serving looks as per usual, and I couldn’t help but think about how we look like an actual couple right now since I was also wearing a white shirt paired with sapphire jeans… and, well, yeah. We look like a couple.

I couldn’t stop myself from smiling whenever the thought crosses my mind.

I beamed him a smile, before shaking my head. “A little… but I feel better now.”

Sliding his arm from my back down to my waist, Younghyun nodded, then pulled me closer to him. And then all there was again was silence. A comfortable silence. And warmth enveloping my heart.

Warm. That’s how I’ve been feeling ever since that night.

Yesterday, I called in sick and told Sana I couldn’t come to work because I wasn’t in the best condition and I know that I wouldn’t be able to function properly so I decided to just stay at home. Younghyun did not go either, and just stayed with me the whole day. We stayed under the warmth of my comforter the entire day, until it was night again and I was wreathed once more in his arms. He also had his clothes delivered to my place just so he didn’t have to leave me, because he wanted to make sure I was fine.

I am fine, really.

The poundings inside my chest just intensified every time he would pin his gaze on me, but I am fine. I am still alive. Just barely breathing, though.

I was too busy reliving the fuzzy feelings I had the past days when we stopped to see who came to pick us up, and suddenly I lost my train of thoughts.

Because… shit.

Architect Kim Wonpil is here! What is he doing here?!

My initial reaction was to remove Younghyun’s arm around my waist. My steps turned sluggish as we approached them. Architect Wonpil, Jae, and a girl with bright red hair were standing in front of a black matte Jeep Wrangler.

I bit my lip and thought of ways to escape but my brain couldn’t operate properly so I went hiding behind Younghyun instead. I called in sick at work yesterday, and now Architect will see me here? All fine? And with Younghyun, for that matter?

I mean, damn. I didn’t think he was part of Younghyun’s circle of friends. I didn’t go as far as knowing about that. All I knew was they were friends, but I didn’t know that he’s one of the friends we’ll meet here in Busan.

“Eris?” It was Architect Wonpil, looking surprised to see me. Well, I mean, same. “What are you doing here? I thought you were sick?”

I closed my eyes firmly, mustering strength before taking a step forward to face them properly. “Uhmm… hi, uh, well…”

I can’t even formulate a proper sentence and my head is screaming _SOS please send help!_

Architect’s eyes flit from me to Younghyun, then arched a brow. “I didn’t know you guys were friends? I mean, for you to bring her here?”

His words pinched something deep within my chest.

Well, to be fair, he’s not wrong. Younghyun and I are friends. With benefits. Or with bonus. Or whatever the world wants to call this set-up that I don’t have plans on telling them about. It’s not like I can announce what exactly is going on between me and Younghyun just like that.

“Do you feel uncomfortable? I’m sorry for not telling you that Wonpil will be here too…” it was Younghyun. I shook my head and beamed him a smile, reassuring him that I’m fine.

Jae let out a boisterous laugh almost immediately at what he heard, earning an elbow from the small girl beside her with bright red hair. The girl then flashed me a smile and waved. “Hi, I’m Jimin. Jae’s manager.”

My brows creased at the mention of the word ‘manager’ and Jimin seemed to catch on it as she added, “Looks like you’re actually not popular, Mr. Superstar. Pretty girl right here doesn’t know you’re a celebrity.”

My jaw dropped at what I just heard. Jae is a celebrity? What? Why do I not know about him?

Jae rolled his eyes at Jimin’s remark and shot me… no, Younghyun, a glare. “Younghyun purposely hid that fact from her! I’m certain! That’s definitely what he did!” he pouted before turning his back at us. “I’m a K-Pop star!”

I listen to a lot of artists and I’m pretty sure I’ve heard his songs before… or so I hope I have. I don’t really put much effort into knowing the singers of the songs I listen to. Gazing up at Younghyun, he didn’t seem to be bothered by Jae and it almost seemed like it was the most normal thing in the world for them.

The bodyguards had to ride on a different car, and I had to squeeze into the backseat of the Jeep Wrangler with Younghyun and Architect, while Jae was driving and Jimin took the passenger seat. Architect did not ask questions any further (thank goodness) but he kept on glancing our way and raising his brows at Younghyun, who in turn was looking at me and all I could do was to avert my gaze and pretend that everything was alright.

After a few more minutes of silent suffering, we finally arrived.

 _Paradise._ That was exactly what came into my mind the moment I set foot on Jae’s place.

“Ah! It’s gonna be another exhausting day,” Jae whined as he led the way.

There was a path leading right into the beach, and the property consists of a main house and a guesthouse, all painted in white. From where I stood, I could see a private sand volleyball at the beachfront and as I sauntered behind them, I silently scanned the whole place. We passed by the pool and patio area where there were loungers and pool floats. Younghyun carried the two huge backpacks filled with our clothes and other stuff because he refused to hand me mine.

The guesthouse was spacious and had three bedrooms: two at downstairs and one upstairs. Jae, with his expansive smile, as soon as he opened the door and led me and Younghyun in, stopped me from striding forward.

“Hey, Eris. I know this is random but… can I follow you on your SNS accounts?”

My eyes rounded in surprise. It really is so random. I mean, Jae is a celebrity so…

Jae seemed to catch on what I was thinking about and shook his head, “Oh, no, I didn’t mean my official accounts. I have my own private accounts, you know. I use them to see what my fans are busy with.” He chuckled, and then his eyes flit towards Younghyun as mine did the same.

He was looking at Jae too, brows knitted, forehead creased. “She’s not even your fan.”

I fought the urge to roll my eyes at Younghyun’s remark. Turning back to Jae who seemed unbothered by what he heard, I smiled, before fishing my phone from my pocket to open my accounts as I listened to him disclose to me his private Twitter and Instagram accounts, blatantly ignoring Younghyun’s petty ass.

“Very nice!” Jae clapped his hands. “Oh, right. I have to prepare stuff so I should leave first. Are you guys going to get separate rooms or—”

Before Jae could even finish his sentence, Younghyun wordlessly strode toward the stairs, ignoring Jae’s question about us having separate rooms and I had to excuse myself from Jae to follow him.

I had to skip steps to keep up with his pace. Still, he wasn’t uttering anything. He opened the door to the only bedroom at the second floor and I stood there, not knowing what to say or do.

What’s wrong with him?

With furrowed brows, he turned to me after setting the bags down the floor. I sighed, before taking sluggish steps towards the huge glass window of the room and opened it to breathe because the silence between me and Younghyun was starting to suffocate me, when suddenly, I forgot about everything else. I forgot about Younghyun’s unusual silence. I forgot how forlorn I have been for the past weeks. All I knew was that across me was a splendid view of the vast calm sea.

The whole scene was so dreamy and all I could do was let out a dreamy sigh, my heart swelling as I gazed in awe at how the sea sparkled from the light casted by the sun. Everything just looks so wonderful and I feel like I can live here forever. I knew that the place was paradise-like from the moment we arrived, but the view when you’re up here is something else. I can’t even begin to visualize how astonishing it is to see the aerial view of the whole property.

Wow. Busan is… the dream.

My initial thought was I _have_ to take pictures of this exact scene. The sun was setting, and I watched how rich hues of red blended with oranges, purples, and crimsons, and stretched themselves at the horizon. There came a sky of fire, and I wondered where have I been all my life that I never got to enjoy its beauty like this?

A strong pair of arms suddenly made its way on my waist and a chin rested on my shoulder. I shifted slowly to look at Younghyun whose gaze was fixated somewhere else. Somewhere far.

So he’s already decided to stop ignoring me, huh? That was fast.

His hold on me tightened, his cheek now nuzzling mine. When I felt his embrace loosen a little, I took the chance to turn around and face him properly, his arms still around me.

Younghyun raised one hand and cupped my jaw, before he advanced to press his lips on mine.

Coffee. Younghyun tastes like a mix of coffee and sugar and fuzzy feelings that I had my eyes closed at how intoxicating the moment was. His hot breath fanned over my face and as soon as I opened my eyes, I was met by his that deserve a word better than the word _beautiful_ because it’s just not enough. The way his gaze sends electricity to my spine, it’s unrivalled.

“What’s wrong?” I asked, breathless. Still in utter awe as I watched how sepia tones from the sun casted over his face, on his tan skin.

Younghyun didn’t respond and only pulled in for another kiss to which I eagerly responded. His tongue was warm and I felt like melting as it pressed against mine. My hands automatically travelled from his chest to his nape as I took a step backward, feeling my knees wobble that I had to lean on the window to anchor myself.

It was slow and hot, like the torrid heat of a summer afternoon.

He nibbled my lower lip for a while before he finally pulled away. Younghyun heaved me closer to him. I watched how his lips formed a childish pout, and I stifled a laugh at how he’s acting like a kid right after the heated kiss that we shared.

“What’s wrong?” I repeated, hands now cupping his cheeks.

Younghyun’s gaze fell on me and his pouting just intensified. “You look so happy to see Jae…” he said in a small voice.

I was taken aback by his response. Younghyun sighed, his gaze now back to the view across the window. “And you’re following each other on your SNS accounts? You’re not even following me.”

“It’s for work, Younghyun. He wants me to design his house’s interior, if you don’t remember. And I’m just really thrilled to know that you’re friends with a celebrity… I mean, well, that’s not impossible, but I’m amazed to know that I’m with one right now?”

Younghyun glanced down at me and sighed for the umpteenth time, before planting a soft kiss on my lips once… twice… thrice, and then he gathered me in his arms for another hug.

“You’re such a baby…” I whispered, voice muffled as he made me rest my face on his chest.

Slowly, I removed his arms around me and turned my back at him to take photos again of the beach, and of myself. Younghyun remained standing behind me while I took selfies and I rolled my eyes at him. “I’m going to upload these photos, go away.”

But then he snaked his arms again around me and began smooching my cheek. My heart was pounding loudly inside my chest as I watched how intimate we looked like from the screen of my phone.

“Go on. Take photos now.”

He hugged me even tighter, and with trembling hands, I took photos of us. Younghyun was looking at me, his lips softly pressing against my cheek and I could see a small smile tugging the ends of his mouth as he did so. Suddenly, it was so hard to breathe and I had to put down my phone and turn it off, feeling my heart fluttering wildly inside me.

“Post them.” he whispered. I took a deep breath before turning around to face him properly.

“What?”

“Post the photos.”

I arched a brow, cheeks still flaring in heat. “And then what? What will people say? What kind of friends do that?”

He threw me a nonchalant stare. “You and I do that.”

 _But what are we, Younghyun?_ I wanted to ask, but no words came out.

I took another deep breath to muster a little strength to utter a reply and conceal my troubled heart. “I won’t post these.”

It’s not the same. It’s no longer the same. I know… Something has changed.

We’re not dating, and that I am perfectly aware. But I'm so tired of being constantly between push and pull. I'm tired of reflecting on my life but never getting to act onto it because when I push myself to fight, my heart pulls for refuge. I'm so tired of always thinking I shouldn't be here, but still ending up in his arms because... I just can't cut him off my life like that. I'm tired of wanting him to love me back, but still thinking he doesn't deserve to love someone lacking like me.

I jolted from my reverie when I felt his soft, hot lips again on mine. In a swift motion, I was suddenly on top of the king-sized bed and Younghyun was hovering over me. I struggled to free myself from his embrace but Younghyun just chuckled and hugged me even tighter.

“We’re going to dirty the sheets with our shoes…” I said in between our kisses.

He didn’t respond. Instead, Younghyun pulled away and shuffled on the bed to reach for my feet, then carefully took off my shoes and socks, before tossing them away right after. He removed his next and silently went back to the bed and I could only look at him, disoriented over what just happened.

I was rendered breathless, and I struggled to catch my breath until he inched back to close the gap between our lips longing for each other. This time, it was softer. It was gentle. It was enchanting. Like a dream I wouldn’t want to wake up from.

Younghyun carefully moved away and rested his forehead on mine. “Baby… do you want us to go public?”

I was too busy drowning in his gaze that I couldn’t process what he just said. “What?”

“Do you want us to go public?”

My jaw dropped at his sudden question. “Are you crazy? We can’t. We’re fuck buddies, Younghyun. We can’t go public about our relationship.”

Younghyun stared at me, his eyes spoke a thousand of unvoiced words. He looked at me like he wanted to say something, but there came none. Instead, he just enveloped me again with his arms as he lied beside me on the bed.

The pounding of my heart intensified. I felt a painful lump on my throat as every breath I took equated to slow death as it took all of me to calm down and not cry right there and then.

Something has changed.

It’s no longer the same… or is it really?

What if it it's only me? What if it’s actually still a one-sided pining… an unrequited love… a stupid martyrdom… and I still don’t have any right to demand anything from him, aside from his body?

I’d love to. Younghyun, I would do anything for us to go public. For us to be official. But I know what we are. We’re not dating. Right now, we’re just… this. We’re people who satisfy each other’s sexual needs. I should know where I should stand. I should keep in mind that your world is not mine to cross… not unless you take the leap and decide to cross mine.

We remained like that for a while—me, enclosed in his embrace, head resting on his chest as I bask in his scent, watching his face warmly lit by the sun trying to prise the last of its amber limbs from the window. If you’d ask me how he smells like, I’d say he smells like warmth… and comfort… and kindness. The scent that can calm your nerves.

“Baby…” he softly called in his most comforting voice.

Before I could utter a word, I heard Jae’s booming voice from downstairs, calling us to go down and join them because someone arrived, a guy named Dowoon, I think, if I heard it right.

Younghyun hissed and snuggled closer to me. “Let’s not go down anymore…”

I glanced up at him and his eyes were closed, as though he’s already preparing to sleep even if the night is only approaching. “Jae’s calling us…”

“Let’s just not join them anymore…” his voice was low and lazy that it enticed me to just stay there with him as he pulled the comforter over our bodies.

I sighed. “Then why did we even come here for if you’re not going to join your friends?”

His eyes fluttered open and his lips formed a pout again. “You’re going to talk to Jae again…”

Jae’s voice roared again, this time complaining that Younghyun was wasting his beautiful voice for yelling at us to come down. Younghyun rolled his eyes and continued pouting, like he’s waiting for me to kiss him.

And I did.

Younghyun smiled against the kiss, before moving his hand to the back of my head to pull me closer and to deepen the kiss. Slowly, he shifted and was again hovering over me. My hands found their way to his chest as Younghyun’s fingertips playfully traced the skin on my arm, to my neck, to my jawline, until his mouth was below my ear, gently nibbling my lobe and softly breathing me in.

Oh God… I’m going to combust from all my love for him…

I lost track of things and suddenly, with one toss, I was left with only my undergarments. Younghyun’s lips rested on the back of my hand as he planted kisses there while his free hand cupped one of my breasts, playing with my nipple through the thin fabric, eliciting a soft moan from me.

“This is mine…” Younghyun whispered as he kissed my hand. “And this…” now my shoulder, going to my collarbones, delicately sucking my skin there as his other hand travelled south. I arched my back in pleasure when he began playing with my bud down there.

“This one…” he gently pressed his lips on my jaw, tracing a line, until they ultimately found my lips. “Especially this one…” and then he kissed me again, slow and torrid. “Mine…”

“Yours…” I replied breathlessly, speaking only of the truth that all these are his…

“Only mine…”

_All yours, loverboy…_

I pulled the hem of the yellow hoodie that Younghyun let me wear because I forgot to bring one. Well, for starters, it’s summer. And summer in the city means literal hot nights, but I forgot that we’re going to Busan. And that the air here in Busan is different from Seoul. The cold wind blew my hair as I silently sat on one of the loungers by the pool, watching everyone be a loud mess like they were rowdy teenage boys.

Dowoon, the birthday boy, just lost in the series of games they were playing earlier so he was left with no other choice but to grill the meat for them to eat, and the other guys rejoiced while Jimin was there, judging all of them from the side.

There were only a few of us here. It’s a really small circle, and I felt like I was stepping on a place I shouldn’t be in. As far as I remember, the two boys who were swimming while yelling gibberish were Bambam and Yugyeom. They’re both in college right now, and they’re literally inseparable.

Right after the _thing_ we did earlier, Younghyun and I remained on the bed for a while, snuggling against each other. It took us long before untangling our limbs from one another, until two loud boys were screaming outside the door of our room, calling for their _‘brother’_ which was Younghyun, to come out and join them because it’s already evening and because they missed him.

It was an awkward encounter, because I didn’t know how I would introduce myself to them. Because… what? We’re inside the same room? And I am not his girlfriend? How do I explain this?

Fortunately, the two didn’t bother asking a lot of questions about me and instead, they began talking about Younghyun. Apparently, Younghyun was like a father figure to the both of them while growing up as he was literally the one who raised Bambam since he came to South Korea at a very young age. Yugyeom said the same, although this was because he’s cousins with Younghyun and his parents were both in Dubai for their work so he’s left here to live alone.

Hearing that from them made me feel like I unlocked something… Like if this was a game, I was bound to go to the next level. This is the first thing I knew about him after we’ve decided to forget about the _No Personal Questions_ rule.

As I took a sip on my orange juice (Younghyun kept on snatching the glass of whiskey I was trying to drink earlier so I had no choice but to drink this), I caught Architect Wonpil from my peripheral vision, looking at my direction. It was when I realized that Younghyun was walking towards me. He sat on the same lounger as I was sitting on, and I grew more and more conscious of Architect’s presence. I know that he doesn’t mean to make me feel uncomfortable, but he does make me feel uncomfortable. The situation is uncomfortable. Because he knows both me and Younghyun, and neither of us is explaining to him what exactly is our relationship that I was even dragged to this place to celebrate with them.

Younghyun was carrying a plate full of grilled meat, probably from Dowoon. Poor Dowoon. It’s his birthday yet he’s doing all the work here.

He handed me the plate and I took the chopsticks that were on top. Glancing up, I saw Younghyun looking at me, beaming me a smile. “What do you want? I’ll get it for you.”

Butterflies in my stomach began to ramble and I almost threw my heart up as it fluttered crazily. I gulped, before shaking my head, not trusting my voice to speak.

In panic, I took a meat and stuffed it inside my mouth. Younghyun gazed at me, confused, before he let out a low chuckle and ruffled my hair.

“Feed me, please baby?” Younghyun cutely opened his mouth in anticipation, emphasis on _cutely_. I sighed in defeat, before taking one to feed him, but then I saw Architect from my peripheral vision so I panicked and ate the meat instead.

Gazing up, I was met by Younghyun’s glare. And of course, in the end, I gave in. Because when it comes to him, I always give in.

I took another meat and raised it for him to take, when suddenly, Younghyun advanced closer to peck my lips instead, before retreating to take the meat, leaving me dumbfounded.

Younghyun smiled like an idiot as I felt my cheeks flare into red. What the fuck? There are people around us, for fuck’s sake?!

Damn… I’m sure Architect Wonpil saw it too because he has been observing us ever since we came down and joined them.

Mentally palming my face, I placed the plate down and glared at him. “I’m going to break your bones.” I warned in utter frustration.

Younghyun snickered, before pulling me to his arms. “Ah, you’re so kind for not planning to break my heart. I only have one.”

I blushed harder at the mention of the word _heart_ so I buried my face on his chest to hide from the eyes that must be looking at us. “And you have 206 bones so I can break them?”

“207 when I’m looking at you.”

Well, damn, I have no time for his innuendoes. I pinched his waist in annoyance and he just laughed, until I felt his lips on top of my head. I broke from his hold and distanced myself from him to calm myself down.

Soon enough, Jae called everyone’s attention and it was the cue for us to sing a _Happy Birthday_ to Dowoon, whose ears were as red as his sweater. In a short course of time that I spent with them, I kind of understood already the reason behind the immense affection they were giving Dowoon, because he just gives off the vibe that makes you want to take care of him. He must be really special to them that despite their busy lives, they find time to celebrate his birthday like this; Jae even offered his place as the venue. It’s so endearing to watch them. It just feels so warm to be surrounded by people like them.

The loudmouth duo, Yugyeom and Bambam, suddenly requested Dowoon to sing, and the poor guy flared into a deeper shade of red. Everyone cheered. Dowoon sighed and took the microphone that Jae prepared (he was _the host for tonight_ , as he would like to call himself). “Ah, the song from my favourite band…”

Jae snatched the microphone and clapped his hands. “Alright! Since Dowoon wants to sing a song by a band he likes, we’re going to sing my song.”

“What? Boo!” it was Bambam.

“Why do we have to listen to your song again…” Architect Wonpil complained.

“Because I’m awesome like that and you have no license to complain.” Jae retorted.

The duo was so persistent on booing Jae and Jimin soon joined them. Jae rolled his eyes and turned to me, “Okay, how about you, _baby girl_? What do you want us to sing?”

Flustered by the moniker he gave me, I froze on my spot. Suddenly, an arm snaked on my waist. Jae laughed and turned to the man beside me, tilted his head, then asked, “How about you, _baby boy_?”

I don’t even know if Jae is teasing us. I don’t have enough brain cells left to process all these. Does he know about what’s really my relationship with Younghyun?

Jae nodded, distancing himself from us. “Oh, right. There’s this song I have yet to release that Younghyun wrote the lyrics for.”

I raised a brow. Younghyun wrote lyrics for Jae’s song?

“I just sent him the instrumental of the song just to flex about my next comeback, but dude right here replied with a whole ass recording of him singing and even wrote lyrics for it. And… well, it’s great? The song is called _When You Love Someone._ ” Jae took the guitar that was resting on one of the huge tables by the pool, and as soon as he began strumming, I couldn’t find the courage to look at Younghyun beside me.

_“It was a really hard day today, wasn’t it?_

_It hurts my heart just looking at you_

_The only thing I can do for you_

_Is to be next to you, I’m sorry…”_

Jae’s voice was soft and soothing… the type that will take away all your tiredness after a long, tiring day… but more than that, the lyrics…

_“You’re so beautiful when you smile_

_So every time you lose that smile_

_Even if I have to give my all_

_I want to give it back to you…”_

Younghyun wrote this? I didn’t know that Younghyun can write beautifully like this… I mean… I don’t know. I don’t know much about him, and every time I discover a thing about his personal life, it always surprises me.

_“I’d rather cry than see you cry_

_I want to get hurt instead of you_

_I don’t want any scars in your heart_

_Ever again…”_

Jae’s voice blends beautifully with the song. Like it’s made just for him. I closed my eyes as I continued to listen to him sing, as my heart swelled within my chest, emotions reeling as my throat tightened in pain.

_“When you love someone_

_So much that it overflows_

_It’s so amazing_

_Because this is how it is.”_

Group pictures. I’ve always been hesitant to join one, because I lived a life full of uncertainties. I felt like I never belonged anywhere, even in the circle that I call my _family_. So when Jae called me to join them as they took photos together, I didn’t want to. I was reminded of the times I felt like I was forcing myself to my own family during taking of family portraits. The times I had to force my way to fit into a group of friends I wanted to be a part of during high school just so I wouldn’t feel so lonely at school, and they ended up bullying me.

Jimin smiled at me and gestured me to come closer. “Don’t be shy. We’re all friends here. You’re like, officially a member of this squad.”

“As the human monopod selfie stick of this squad, I get to decide who gets to join photos and who doesn’t. So come here, you’re required to join us.” Jae piped in, holding his phone with his long arm.

I swallowed painfully, before taking sluggish strides towards their group. For the first time in my life… I felt a sense of belongingness. I felt like I belong here and I don’t have to force my way just for me to say that I am part of them.

I smiled a genuine smile, feeling my heart overflow with happiness.

Suddenly, Jae hissed. “Wonpil, you can’t be seen, come to the front because you’re too short,” he adjusted the angle of his phone.

“Don’t call me short!” Architect Wonpil argued dramatically.

Jae raised a brow, “Okay, Wonpil, come to the front because you’re vertically challenged.”

The loudmouth duo guffawed at how Jae called Architect “vertically challenged” and Architect sighed, before he marched steps towards the front where he can be visibly seen in photos.

“Excuse me CEO Kang, I said look at the camera, not at the woman beside you.” Jae commented, more like teased, and I felt heat creep on my cheeks.

I glanced at Younghyun and he was already looking at the front. Jae took a lot of photos and I probably look the same in like half of them, but at least it’s over. We went back to our spots earlier and I sat alone on the lounger when Jimin suddenly went to me and engaged in a small conversation with me.

“You know, it’s actually nice to have another girl here. At least I don’t suffer alone from all these rascals’ noise.” she deadpanned, and I couldn’t help but giggle at how she addressed her friends as ‘rascals’.

I looked at the ice bucket on the table and saw that there were only a little ice left so I volunteered to get more inside the main house. It was a rather huge house, and I kind of regret presenting myself to get ice because, where the hell is the kitchen here?

The lights were off. Treading towards the neverending straight path, I heard voices talking and I followed the direction where the voices came from, in hopes of ending up in the kitchen.

And I was right. It was the kitchen. The lights were off and only the light from outside that was peeping from the windows illuminated the room. I was about to enter and greet whoever were inside, when I realized it was Younghyun and Jae.

“Are you really just friends?” Jae blurted a query.

Younghyun looked at him. Jae shrugged. “Eris.”

With a small smile etched on his face, Younghyun downed the booze that was on the glass he was holding in one go. “Yeah.”

I swallowed an imaginary lump on my throat as I struggled to breathe. I've always known this. But why does it still sting so much to hear it from him?

Jae chuckled, before he drank his own glass of alcohol. “When are you going to take it to the next level?”

Younghyun's forehead creased. Before he could even utter a reply, I turned around and walked away, hastening my pace back to the lawn as my heart pounded painfully in my chest. I don’t want to know the answer. I don't want to hear it from him anymore. I don’t want him to confirm that we don't have a chance. That I'm not the girl that he would take to another level. That all this time, I’ve been painting colors on the things he does but they actually meant nothing. Because as much as I want to forget, I can't. I can't erase from my mind that I am nothing but someone who fulfils his fantasies. I own his body, but never his heart. It's a part I can never touch. It's something that isn't for me to own.

I will never.

I can never.

Shaking my head, I turned my attention to the clamour that was taking place before me led by the loud skinny kid who said he was raised by Younghyun. Jimin asked me where the ice was and I told her I couldn’t find the kitchen. Soon enough, Younghyun and Jae arrived and Jimin ordered Jae to get ice instead, before she left to get more grilled meat and soup.

I felt a hand atop mine. It was Younghyun’s, of course. He intertwined our fingers and I inhaled sharply, feeling trenchant swords stab my chest.

Younghyun reached for my other hand too, his forehead puckered. “Why are your hands cold?”

I shook my head. “I was holding the ice bucket earlier. It’s cold.”

Younghyun looked at me, before nodding wordlessly. The ends of his lips tugged into a warm smile and like magic, I was suddenly okay again.

Ah. The things he makes me feel.

“Let’s go,” he stood up, hand still entwined with mine, then began walking to the other side of the villa, towards the seashore where it was empty and silent… so silent that I was afraid he could hear the loud beating of my heart.

“Where are we going?” we continued walking until our steps were slow and short and we were standing before a huge hammock that was hung in between two palm trees.

Younghyun heaved a sigh, before settling down the hammock, comfortably lying on it as he gestured for me to join him.

It was huge, probably customized to accommodate Jae and his height of a giant plus another person. I bit my lip, hesitant to lie beside him when he tugged my arm and I was suddenly on top of him.

Younghyun laughed and I hit his chest gently, annoyed at his sudden act of mischief. He let out a sigh and shuffled, guiding me to lie beside him comfortably as he slid his arm under my head to pull me closer to him.

There was a big pillow and a blanket too, probably left during the day by someone who used it. The noise from the squad faded into the background and it was only me and Younghyun, gazes locked. “Why are we here?” I muttered.

Slowly, he started playing with my hair and I leaned against his touch. “They’re too loud… And I know you’re uncomfortable because Wonpil is there… I’m sorry for not telling you…”

I shook my head and smiled at him, and then I raised my hand to trace his jawline, then his chin. I giggled when my fingertips bumped his soft stubble. Younghyun sighed and leaned in to press his lips on my forehead.

And then everything felt surreal. A garland of lights was hung above us, like a scene from a movie, dancing like stars in the sky. Stars… these beautiful fairy lights that I don’t get to see in the city. Stars like the scattered embers of a dying fire winked down at us, illuminating the wide curtain of darkness of the sky.

And I’m here… in his arms… in his warmth.

Younghyun hummed. “Are you tired?”

“A little…” I smiled. “But it’s okay. It’s so fun to be around your friends. Especially Jae… his voice is really beautiful. I wish he becomes more successful than he already is.”

I expected to see a pensive frown on his face at the mention of Jae’s name, but I didn’t. Instead, there etched a small smile as he glanced down at me and whispered, “Really? I’m glad to hear that…”

He rested his head on top of mine as he gently moved to sway the hammock lightly. “Jae and Wonpil are my childhood friends. I have a lot of friends but they’re the ones who got stuck with me until now.” he chuckled lowly, and I felt the vibrations of his laugh erupt inside his chest as I remained resting my head on his chest.

“Was your childhood tough?” I asked, feeling brave now that we’ve already removed the rule about no personal questions.

“It was okay…” he muttered, fingers now resumed playing with my hair and scalp, and I fought the urge to drift to sleep at the comfort he was giving me. “But looking back, I didn’t enjoy much of my childhood since I had to focus on studying because I was an only child and my family has very high expectations of me…”

“But you’re still lucky your parents love you…” I smiled at him. Younghyun moved away to look at me, but said nothing. He just gazed at me as though he doesn’t have an idea how to respond to what I said. And it’s okay. I’m used to this.

My eyes flit towards his chest, silently reading the text on his sweater, before glancing up to gaze at the stars. The wind was chill, and the stars burned with the brilliant sapphire pallor of electric light.

“It’s so hard to live in a world where nobody likes you…” I smiled bitterly as waves of memories came crashing in.

Younghyun remained silent, like he was waiting for me to speak more. I sighed. “When I was in the sixth grade… I was more of a curious child so I invested my time in texting this certain guy that I used to like instead of focusing on school… and, well, I ended up graduating from grade school not as the student with highest honours. So I told myself… I’ll do well in middle school and high school… I topped the admission exams, but I was bullied.” I let out a wry laugh, remembering the painful memories I had from high school. “I just wanted to have friends, you know? But then it just so happened that the guy that my friend likes came to like me… so the whole circle turned against me and I was alone again.”

He was still quiet, and I was overflowing with courage tonight that for the first time, I was telling someone about this. I was exposing my scars. I was disclosing the ugliness of my life.

“And it was really… r-really difficult.” my voice cracked, alarming Younghyun. I gave him a reassuring smile and hoped it translated to him as me telling him I am fine. “I couldn’t focus on studying because at school, everyone hates me… and when I go home… there’s no one to tell about how I’ve been… there’s no one who cares about how my day went…”

The cold wind blew again and I shivered. Younghyun wreathed me tighter, and closer to him, wrapping me with warmth.

“It’s so hard to live like this… My parents were never proud of me because all I was to them was an embarrassment… because unlike my brother, I wasn’t shining... I grew up feeling the need to find validation in other people… and I don’t want it… but it’s just how I came to be. I am difficult. I have a lot of factory defects... I need to be fixed… and I have long accepted that I am nobody’s favourite girl…”

And there came the hot tears, cascading down my face.

“You can tell me… from now on, you can tell me how your day went…” Younghyun whispered, eyes laced with nothing but sincerity.

I choked a sob and kept silent, as I looked at him still looking at me lovingly. Gently, Younghyun wiped the tears from my cheeks. “You’re not difficult… you just have big wishes…” carefully, he tucked my hair to the back of my ear. “You don’t need to be fixed… just loved…”

And then I heard a familiar tune. Younghyun started humming to a song that sounds too familiar to me it hurts my heart to listen to him. As the hammock swayed again, Younghyun suddenly began singing softly to my ear.

_“I want to be helpful even just a little bit… I want to be your resting place… If you think of me on a busy day, I’ll do my best to comfort you…”_

And right there and then, I felt all the broken pieces of my heart ache.

It was the song he wrote the lyrics for Jae.

_“You’re such a soft-hearted person… so whenever I see you hurting silently, even if I have to give my all, I want to make you smile again…”_

Younghyun’s voice is… so beautiful. And beautiful is an understatement. It was calming… and tender… and cozy. It felt so warm. He beamed at me, and as if on cue, tears began to stream down my face once again.

 _“I’d rather cry than see you cry… I want to get hurt instead of you… I don’t want any scars in your heart ever again…”_ he planted a soft kiss on the top of my head and I clutched the fabric of his sweater as I felt my heart swell in so much… love for him.

God… I love him.

_“When you love someone so much that it overflows… It’s so amazing... Because this is how it is…”_

I don't care anymore. If he finds out about my feelings… or if he already knows… I don't care. I just want to hold him. I just want to feel him close to me. I just want his lips attached to mine. If I don't kiss him now, I think I will die. No words can suffice for what I am feeling right now. I just… love him. I love Younghyun.

So much.

So fucking much.

I closed my eyes firmly, hot drops of tears still rolling down my cheeks, and then I inched closer to press my lips on his. I have no words. Just tears. With all my crestfallen heart, I was kissing him. With all my heart that loves him, I was kissing him.

I broke the kiss to look at him, heart pounding deafeningly loud. But then Younghyun cupped my cheeks to pull me closer to him and kissed me again, now hot and passionate. My heart felt so full, and I felt the fire of courage within me ignite as he deepened the kiss.

We only pulled away from each other when we were both running out of breath. Younghyun’s gaze remained the same: he was still looking at me lovingly, and I almost had another breakdown as soon as our gazes locked.

“I’m so proud of you, baby.” he smiled, before shifting slowly to enclose me again in his arms.

There came again the warmth. The comfort. The solace only Younghyun gives.

I hugged him tight, as I let my tears flow silently. I couldn’t string the right words together to respond to him, and honestly, I don’t think I can even formulate a coherent sentence with all these vehement emotions reeling within me.

I never thought I could still fall for him deeper than I already do… as much as I am in love with him right now.

My heart pummelled painfully inside my chest, and for a moment, I forgot how to breathe.

Younghyun planted a soft kiss on my forehead and I fell in love with him unbelievably deeper with every word that he uttered next.

“No one will hurt you physically… or emotionally… as long as I am here.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> twitter: @jaemibbeom  
> curiouscat: https://curiouscat.me/jamlovesjae
> 
> was playing The Rose's I.L.Y. again on loop while typing this and I feel so in love with Younghyun :((((  
> yes, the best way to make me update is to leave comments. Ahahaha. Jk.  
> thank you for still reading this fic ahahahahaha i love reading your comments :(((


End file.
